Parenting 101: The Difference Between Support and Smothering

By GalTime Parenting Pro Jennifer Powell-Lunder, Psy.D.

Are you supporting or smothering?
Are you supporting or smothering?

There's a mantra I use with all my clients, no matter what their age. I tell them "When your parents aren't anxious, life is beautiful." I use this so often that one of my clients printed the saying on decorative paper and framed it. This frame is prominently posted on my office wall.

Almost all parents worry about their children, no matter how old they are. The difficulty is that children whether they are age 14 or 40 often experience this expression of love and support as overbearing interest or meddling. As a parent of an adult child, how do you strike a balance between support and smothering? Here are some thoughts:

  • Don't assume, ask. If you think there is a way you can be helpful to your adult child, don't just assume they will appreciate your efforts, ask first. If for example, you see a dress that would be perfect for the work function your daughter had told you about, ask her before you buy it. If you can't reach her, do not be hurt or offended if you give it to her but she chooses to wear something else.

  • Focus on what you can do, not on what you can't. If for example, you are upset because your son never seems to call you, don't mope. Arrange a set weekly phone time with him-Sunday at 7PM-this way you subtly take the situation into your own hands.

Related: Are You Giving Your Teen a Headache... Literally?

  • Step back, not in. If you believe your adult child is not handling a situation the way you believe he should, offer your advice and let it go. Part of growing as an adult is learning from our mistakes. Whatever you do, avoid taking the situation into your own hands. Your child needs to learn how to manage for himself. If he fails, avoid telling him "I told you so," this will only make him feel worse.

  • Respect the rules. Just because you are her mother, does not mean the general rules of common courtesy do not apply. You cannot just barge into her room (if she lives with you) or show up at her house (even if she lives next store).

  • Your opinion does still matter so be mindful of your words. So, maybe his wife isn't your favorite person, or maybe you don't agree with some of his parenting practices.Voicing your opinions out loud is neither helpful nor appreciated but rather hurtful and unnecessary.If you do feel compelled to let him know what you are thinking and feeling, do so in a private place. Do not ask or expect change. You raised him well, now it's his turn to create a family.

  • Say what you mean, mean what you say! Your child can not read your mind. You cannot expect her to know what you want and/ or need. If you feel you have for example been slighted or ignored, do not sit around waiting for an apology, or even worse tell your child it is okay when it is not. Honesty is the best way to communicate without causing conflict.

Related: Mothers & Daughters: Can You Be Too Close for Comfort?

  • Your child is not your friend. It is true that your relationship with your adult child has matured. This does not however mean that your child can step into the role of confidant. In fact research reflects that regardless of age, children want to be 'parented' by their parents, not the reverse. Support should be sought through a network of friends. This does not mean you shouldn't share with your child, it just means she is not suited to be your sole confidant.

  • You reap what you sow. You have been a great role model for your child. Relax, you have taught him well. Give him the time and space to show you. If you feel that you made mistakes as a parent (and most of us have), take the time to talk with him but avoid hovering. He is an adult now and it is important that you treat him this way.

  • Communication is key. Research indicates that adults who report good communication with their parents go on to lead longer, healthier, and happy lives. Just remember it is not necessarily what you say, but how.

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