10 Things I Hate About Valentine’s Day as a Parent

I’ve never been a big fan of February 14th. Even when I had a boyfriend, it just felt…forced. Now that I’m married to a totally-great-but-not-very-romantic-in-the-Hallmark-sense-of-the-word guy, we completely opt out. But with two of my three kids in school, Valentine’s Day is suddenly a really big deal. There are parties and crafts and special snacks and wardrobe requirements and love-themed homework and, of course, the great Valentine exchange. It’s not that I want to deprive my kids of this stuff (holidays—even made-up ones—are the best when you’re little!) but all these heart-shaped to-dos end up on my plate and my plate is already full. And so I’m annoyed. Here’s why…
 
1. I went to Target to get valentines for my four- and six-year-olds to give out and all of the cards have Disney/Nick Jr./Barbie/Angry Birds characters on them, which I hate. I know, I know, but it just bothers me that everything has to be commercial. I thought I scored with super-cute plainish heart-shaped cards that said “Perfect Match” on them but when I opened the package I discovered it’s a make-your-own memory game. D’oh!

2. The fact that I left the store sans valentines, which means I’ll waste a ton of time researching cool, easy, uncheesy ideas but still find myself racing out to the drugstore Thursday night buying whatever picked-over crap is left. Which will definitely feature the lamest of all the characters (Oswald? Dino Dan?).

3. The endless roundup of Valentine snacks, crafts, gifts and activity ideas crowding my newsfeed. I wish I had the time — or interest — in making mini cupids out of toilet paper rolls, pipe cleaners and cotton balls (I always thought I’d be that mom) but, well, I don’t. Cue the guilt. (Exception: we will be doing that make-your-own memory game.)

4. Wasn’t it just Christmas?! I swear I’m still picking pine needles up off my floor. Do we really need another holiday right now?

5. Getting my kids to focus while addressing 35 valentines. If we have to do this they’re at least going to get practice writing their names and a sense of ownership/pride. But with a three-month-old, a challenging four-year-old and a kid who has to get up 85 times to sharpen his pencil while doing homework (which we also have a ton of this week), it’s going to be a challenge.
 
6. The candy. I’m not opposed to my kids eating sugar full stop but I try to limit it. When they come home from school with a bigger haul than Halloween, it makes my job harder.

7. None of said candy is even worth stealing. Conversation hearts? Blech. Heart-shaped peppermint patties? Boh-ring. (Call me when it’s time for Cadbury eggs.)

8. Projects that use excessive amounts of glitter. Any amount of glitter, really.

9. Somehow I wound up in charge of taking yearbook photos for my son’s Valentines Day party. A. Why is there a yearbook for first grade? B. How do I put photos on a disc, which is what I’ve been asked to do. Seriously, that’s above my technological pay grade.
 
10. Is there even a lesson here? I asked my six-year-old what Valentine’s Day was all about and he said: “It’s when you give cards to kids you don’t really like to make them feel good.” Sweet. 

I’m not a holiday hater, I swear. We go big for Christmas and Easter and I definitely get into the St. Patty’s Day spirit. But Valentine’s Day just feels excessive and like it was designed to test me. Especially this year when I have a newborn and a husband with a brand-new, super-intense job. And regardless of how much effort we do or don’t put in, it’s all going to wind up in the trash Saturday morning, anyway, right? Except the pencils…we can always use more pencils (see #4). That said, I’m sure my kids will come home Friday excited about their little notes and gifts from friends and we’ll have a nice chat about how special it all was. Either that or they’ll be so hopped up on conversation hearts and pink nerds that they’ll be bouncing off the walls and wind up in time-out or passed out before taking off their coats. Really, it could go either way. Only time will tell.