15 things that change (immediately) when you have a baby

Over the summer, about two months into my maternity leave, I ran into a co-worker from my fashion magazine days, a woman I hadn't seen in years. I was feeling especially proud that afternoon-my new daughter and I were both out, dressed, and not crying-and for the first time in weeks, I felt up to adult conversation. I started giving her the thumbnail update of my life, about how I'd changed jobs, gotten married, birthed the pretty little creature dangling from my chest. In the midst of this, I noticed my former colleague distracted, fixating on something that was decidedly not the words coming out of my mouth. I followed her gaze and...there on my forearm was a streak of mustard-y brown: I was delivering a You-Really-Can-Have-It-All monologue while smeared in baby poop.

Since the birth of my kid last May, I've had dozens of humbling moments like this one, times when I felt completely unmoored and more than a little out of control. When I was pregnant, I read tons of stories about "things that change" once you have a baby, but they were usually all namby-pamby, "You stop to smell the roses" and "You look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself"-true enough stuff, but not really the sort of comfort/commiseration one craves when cradling a crying infant at dawn, drenched in breast milk. So, for my first post back (Hi, Shine readers. I'm back!) here's the stuff I wish someone had told me:

15 things that change (immediately) once you have a kid

1. Strangers-ie people you don't know at all-will approach you and dole out unsolicited parenting advice, often when you're at your most vulnerable and often with the implication that you are trying to kill your child by means of Baby Bjorn/starvation/the wrong hat/not the way they did it in their day. Smile and say, "That's so interesting." Then give them the middle finger with your mind.

2. Strangers, part 2: People you don't know at all (especially old ladies) will want to touch your baby. This will freak you the hell out.

3. Honey, I shrunk the vocabulary! For a time, you will speak a strange baby-wabie language that includes words like Boppy, binky, Butt Dust, Sniffly Sprinkles, etc to infinity. No worries, you will be too exhausted to care about sounding smart.

4. No matter how many times you swear you won't, you will talk about poop. A lot.

5. Breasts will accidentally, sometimes embarrassingly be flashed. There will not be alcohol involved and you will not be wearing a cute bra.

6. Remember when you used to snicker/gag over pals who posted too many photos of their lil' cherub on Facebook? How the tables have turned, adorbs-baby-pic guy!

7. The hours you keep will begin to closely resemble those of an Amish farmer. Or a Buddhist monk. Or someone, anyone more wholesome and selfless than you.

8. Where once you'd surf the internet for stylish new clothes or sexy shoes, you're now on the market for items like this:

9. Expect to read more user manuals and assemble more products in one month than you have in...your entire life. Expect to assemble those products wrong and lose those manuals. It's OK, it's all online anyway.

10. Your friends who didn't like kids before you had one won't like yours either. This will make you like these friends less.

11. Your parent friends may become unexpectedly baby-competitive, comparing their kid's major milestones to yours in a way that suggests your children are competing in a World's Awesomest Infant contest. Let them have the trophy.

12. On occasion (or perhaps on many occasions), you will become a super-mega b-i-t-c-h to your partner. You will say things like, "UGGGH! The night diapers are supposed to be used AT NIGHT!" Neither of you will recognize the monster who said this.

13. Though you're spending every minute of every day with another human who you adore, prepare to feel profoundly alone. And confused. And crazy.

14. Oh, and if you think you can turn to drink, remember this: Hangover + Baby =God laughing at you. VERY LOUDLY.

15. Despite all of it, your days will be filled with an absolute and pure feeling of love and devotion...HAHAHA!! That's what they tell you anyway. True, you will love your baby more than a thousand rainbows, but new motherhood will be more jarring and identity-demolishing than you could ever anticipate. But what you'll really learn? You are so much stronger than you ever knew you were.

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