16 Years Later: How I’m Changing My Parenting Strategy as the Mom of a Teen

16 Years Later: How I'm Changing My Parenting Strategy as the Mom of a Teen
16 Years Later: How I'm Changing My Parenting Strategy as the Mom of a Teen

I was never one to follow any one particular parenting strategy or style, especially one with a fancy name or rules to follow. When my girls were babies, I felt like the only parenting strategy I needed to master was what I refer to as "recalibration". With each passing stage or phase, I found myself having to assess and reassess how I did things. Just when I thought I hit my stride, the current would change, and I would have to shift my parenting rudder accordingly. With each of my slight modifications, I questioned my ability to be a good parent, wondered if I was doing right by my children, and hoped that how I was parenting was going to help my children grow up to be secure, happy, and healthy people. As I've heard it said, "Parenting is not for the faint of heart."


Some phases of childhood were easier than others for me to manage. For example, I remember four being easy. Good thing, because three was brutal. I could go on and on in detail about the ups and the downs, with the things I tried that failed and the things I tried that didn't fail quite as much. And, as not to disparage my parenting skills too much, I had enough of what I would consider successes to balance out the failures. In other words, now that I'm able to look back on the voyage, I'm happy with the parent I was then and the parent I am now, which means I'm grateful for the whole journey because it was the one that got me from there to here.

But "here" isn't the end of the parenting adventure. In fact, even with 16 years of motherhood experience under my belt, my recalibration muscle has never had a long enough spell of certainly to atrophy. Thankfully! Because this phase might be the most important - and perhaps difficult - to navigate yet.

Related: 10 things a mother should never say to her daughter

The other day, a small group of parent-friends were chatting about our teens (all juniors in high school), and I mentioned something in passing about only have a little time left with my daughter still at home, before she leaves for college. Someone remarked in jest, "Wow, you're really trying to push her out the door." Regardless of the seemingly lighthearted nature of the delivery, the comment has been ringing in my ears for weeks. Not because it was true - my goodness, of course I'm not pushing her out the door - but because it made me realize that I have been putting a lot of thought into the next year and a half as the whole family prepares for the inevitable; my daughter going away to college. Who knows? Maybe the friend who made the flippant comment didn't have a teen who constantly spoke of her future plans. But, I've been hyper-aware of my daughter's hopes and dreams and her desire to go to college on the east coast for her entire high school career to date, and believe me I am also aware that the east coast is the coast furthest from me. Pushing her out? No way. But totally, 100% supporting her and encouraging her to follow her college aspirations? Absolutely. Even if that means she'll be too far away to come home on weekends to do her laundry.

What I have come to realize is that I've slowly started transitioning into parenting my daughter in a completely new way. It's my job now to help her be as ready as possible to sail away from the harbor she's been tethered to her whole life. I guess I can understand that by talking about it like it might seems to some that I'm pushing her out. But, more than anything I'm hoping that by helping her plan and prepare I'm in turn helping her feel encouraged and even more importantly, empowered. The parenting technique I'm working on now is the one that affords her the space to make more of her own decisions, weigh out options, prioritize, and experience her own trial and error methods. We talk things through and I give her honest feedback, but in the end, I'm trying to give her enough leeway to steer her own boat. So far, she's doing a great job. But, I'm keeping a careful watch. I know I can't protect her from the ebb and flow of the tides or the winds that will surely blow, but I can help teach her to baton down the hatches when storms are brewing and to not forget the sunscreen - or the camera - when it's blue skies ahead. Above all else, as she learns the ropes and charts her own course, I hope that she strengthens her own method of recalibration so that she's steady and safe in the uncharted waters she's sailing towards.

Photo source: Tracey Clark

-By Tracey Clark

For 14 lessons your kids should learn before they move out, visit Babble!

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