5 Bad Reasons to Become a Parent

From Brenna Jennings

You're innocently running your Sunday errands when you spot them: the desperate, frazzled parents with a unruly, screaming kids who couldn't look more miserable to be in each other's company. You watch them and wonder, why the hell did they decide to have kids in the first place? Maybe it was one of these bad reasons:

Constant Companionship It's not that you won't have constant companionship. For nine months you have no choice, then for the following five years you'll be craving privacy and personal space like a Kardashian craves attention. You'll find yourself pretending to have Hanta virus just for some alone time in the bathroom with your smart phone and a magazine.

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Personal Assistant I spend at least 20 minutes just getting my three-year-old to follow the simplest direction. I have yet to succeed at having her pick up the 400 toys and shoes she scatters around the house like a human micro-burst. If you think having kids means someone to help with housekeeping and errands, consider hiring a monkey instead, you'll be cleaning up poop either way.

Larger Breasts Based on my personal experience, this might almost be worth it. Unfortunately you'll pay for the eighteen months or so of spectacular breasts with another fifty years of angry little pouches you'll find yourself awkwardly adjusting twenty times a day.

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Because it's Hip The celebrity twins epidemic is spreading, but it's backed by something most of us can't afford. Do you know why J-Lo looks smoking hot, even with twin toddlers at home? Because at two-years-old, those kids are already the boss of twenty assistants. They have staff. Celebrities pay other people to be delirious with sleep deprivation and deal with colic. Even a trained monkey won't help you with that.

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For the Attention When I was pregnant, it was all, "No, you go ahead. Please, allow me" and, "I'll get that for you." But once you deliver that baby and start showing up at the grocery store looking like Gary Busey's third mugshot, barely intelligible after no-nights' sleep, you'll be hoping no one notices you slogging down the diaper aisle with a shoulder full of barf and a pacifier in your hair.

What's the worst reason you can think of to become a parent? And why did YOU want to become a parent?

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I Don't Like
Your Kids!

I Can't Stand
First-Time Moms!

I Used to Judge
Other Parents