9 Things Your Grandkids Want to Tell You
There's no doubt that you adore your grandchildren, and vice versa. But the generational (and oftentimes geographical) distance can sometimes get in the way of everybody's best intentions to maintain a close relationship. The good news is that when it comes to preserving a connection with your grandchildren, it's the little things that can make the biggest impact. Whether you see them daily or only connect during holidays, read on for nine things that grandkids want to tell their grandparents about how to forge an even closer bond.
1. I wish I heard from you more.
Just because your grandchildren aren't reaching out to you doesn't mean they don't want to be in touch-and those once-a-year holiday visits or birthday phone calls aren't always enough. Elizabeth Bower, coauthor with Sue Johnson and Julie Carlson of Grandloving, a book about connecting with your grandchildren, advocates setting aside time for one telephone or Skype session a week. "If you do this frequently enough, the child will prompt it," Bower says. "My son will say, 'I think we should Skype [his grandparents] and tell them what we did today.' You know it's working when the child initiates communication." But don't limit yourself to just the phone. "Every child loves to have his mailbox turned into a treasure chest, whether he lives next door or across the world," says Johnson. "It doesn't matter what you send him [even if it's just a short note], so long as you send something often." For her own grandchildren, Johnson keeps things simple by sending funny postcards or pages copied from coloring books . Plus, she gives her grandkids printed labels with her address on them, making it extra easy to send letters to her in return.
Discover 10 ways to inspire kids.
2. I can tell when you're playing favorites.
"In my grandmother's eyes, my cousin John could do no wrong," says Mara.* "She was always curious about his hobbies, friends and schoolwork, whereas she hardly asked me anything about my life." To avoid this, Johnson urges you to recognize that each grandchild is unique. "What my husband and I have tried to do is find out what makes each one tick and connect with them on that level," says Johnson. "That way, they become a favorite in their own right." She recommends setting aside some alone time with each grandkid whenever possible to find out what is meaningful and important to them. Singling them out will not only allow you to learn more about them, but it will also give them the confidence to be themselves and alleviate any pressure to be more like other members of the family.
3. I want to know more about you.
Don't let the stereotype of grandkids rolling their eyes when their grandparents tell stories about the "good old days" deter you from sharing your experiences. "My grandparents were really old-fashioned and didn't spend a ton of time with me or my brother," says Alexandra. "They had really interesting lives, but other than the occasional lecture about money, they didn't share much about themselves. I wish they'd told me more about their childhoods, the war and the depression, about meeting and falling in love and, as I got older, even some of the wild times they had. It would have been nice to get to know them as people instead of just the old folks who we had early dinners with once in awhile." While older grandchildren may be a more receptive audience for stories about your past, involving youngsters is also crucial-especially if you don't want certain family tales to be forgotten. According to Johnson, the best way to do this is to "tell stories about yourself when you were their age, to make them more meaningful." Adds Bower: "The more you can connect the stories to what is happening in their lives, the better. Photos also work really well to make them more interesting."
Learn the tricks to communicating with your husband.
4. Some of your views are really outdated-and even offensive.
Your grandchildren know that you were raised in a different era and therefore you have different views on politics and lifestyle choices, but some of your opinions may make them uncomfortable. "I once tried to explain that I wanted to marry for love and that my future husband might not be Ukranian, like our family," says Mara. "Let's just say that did not go over well." Echoes Nicole: "I wish I could tell my grandmother that being single over the age of 25 does not make you an old maid." While no one expects you to overhaul your entire belief system, expanding your view of what's acceptable can only bring you closer to your grandchildren. "Grandparents have to realize that times change, and that they should not try to impose their generations' values on their grandchildren," says Johnson. One way to do this, she says, is to share your opinions with humor rather than in a correcting tone. For example, say, "Can you believe that in our day we thought…?" "Ask questions about what they think so you can contrast it with your own thoughts in a non-judgmental, neutral way," Johnson says. Bower points out, these situations can be teaching moments, as well as opportunities for grandchildren to figure out their own sets of beliefs.
5. Get online already!
Intimidated by the technology? If you want to get close to your grandkids, you'd better get a computer and log on to the Internet. "My grandmother was incredibly adept at using Facebook," says Amanda. "Being able to connect online every day made me feel so much closer to her, especially since it was hard to find time to catch up over the phone." While conquering the online world can seem daunting, using tools that help you connect, like Facebook and Skype, can be very rewarding. "We love chatting with our grandkids using Skype," says Johnson. "They can hold up the painting they just created or show us the moth that they caught. It's a way for us to feel more engaged with them. Once you've done it a few times you'll see how easy it is." If you're struggling to figure the technology out, the best teacher is your grandchild. Not only will it be a fun bonding experience for the two of you, it will give him or her confidence to be put in the "teacher" role for a change.
Are you following these six Facebook safety tips?
6. Don't ostracize me just because you're mad at my parents.
Tension within a family can make for awkward interactions-especially for your grandkids, who have to watch the drama unfold. "There were some disagreements between my grandparents and my father, and I ended up feeling like my grandparents were mad at me too," says Nick. "It got to the point where I was nervous to even contact them." While it can feel easier to avoid your children-and their children-altogether, ostracizing your grandkids for something they didn't take part in will only cause hurt feelings. "Avoid taking sides," says Johnson. " Focus on the child, and not on the differences that you may have with his parent." Continue to communicate with him and take an interest in his life, keeping a fair distance between the issues at hand. "It is the wise grandparent who keeps the adult issues separate from the kids," says Johnson, who stresses the importance of showing your grandkids genuine love and affection through good and bad times. Reach out to them to make plans without their parents; if you're far away, call them often to catch up one-on-one.
7. I wish you would take care of your health.
"One set of my grandparents walk regularly and are in great shape. The others don't and are practically immobile," says Nicole. "It's been so sad for us to watch them deteriorate." Your grandkids want you to make an effort to be healthy and happy, so that you can stick around for years to come. While everyone's capabilities differ, schedule an appointment with your doctor to discuss healthy exercise options for you. Something as simple as walking can boost your immune system and heart health, as well as lower your cancer risk. The better your health, the more quality time you will have to spend with your grandkids, and watch them grow from children to adults.
Check out Denise Austin's tone and trim walking workout.
8. I wish you took an interest in my hobbies.
Your grandkids know that you love them, but taking a genuine interest in the things that they get excited about will help create an even stronger bond. Admittedly, it can be tough to carry on a conversation with shy toddlers or aloof teens. However, there are ways to foster healthy communication between the generations. "When you talk to kids, ask open-ended questions," suggests Johnson. "Instead of saying, 'Did you like the trip to the zoo?,' say, 'What was your favorite part of the zoo?'" This will give them an opportunity to be more communicative and let you into their world. As a grandparent you have to be a good observer and really listen to and watch what the child is doing, says Bower. "Try saying something like, 'You seem really interested in that train set. What about building it do you enjoy so much?'"
9. You don't need to send me a birthday check.
Birthday checks are generous, of course, but young kids don't really register what they're receiving, and older grandkids may start to feel guilty about receiving money as a gift. "Spending time together is more meaningful than money," says Johnson. "If you can find a way to be together for their birthday, it will make the day special." She also suggests giving them a gift that relates to a particular interest of theirs, or giving them an item that used to belong to you or their parent. "If there's an old toy truck that you used to play with, give it a paint job or a license plate with your grandson's name on it. Or give your granddaughter a doll that her mother used to play with, wearing a new set of clothing," suggests Johnson. By giving gifts with sentimental value, you'll open the door to discussions about your own childhood and what life was like when you were young, which is a great way to bond with your grandkids on a deeper level.
* Some names have been changed.
Photo: © Thinkstock
Article originally appeared on WomansDay.com.
You Might Also Like:
10 Things Husbands Should Never Do
The Truth About Sex After Menopause
7 Things Your Daughter-in-Law Wants to Tell
How to Talk to Your Husband About Sex
