Advice for a 6-Month-Old Baby

Seriously, stop licking my phone.Seriously, stop licking my phone.Dear Baby,

You are on the eve of your 6-month birthday. I know this because you puke less and bite more. I'd like to say that I know this because of the calendar, but let's be honest. Mom screwed up your older sister's birthday at skating lessons the other day, causing the instructor to ask if I was the nanny or aunt. So, mom isn't really bringing her A-game these days. It's OK, I blame you.

You are almost six months old and emerging from that mewling state of brand-new baby. You talk, you grab toys, you pull your sister's hair, you are a big guy. And in these next six months you will transform from baby into an almost-toddler (unless you are like your sister and don't walk until you are 18 months. That's cool, too). This is a momentous event, mostly because your sister has tried to end you on more than one occasion. I literally had to throw myself between you and a moving car. Granted, the moving car was a Crazy Coup and the driver was a 2-year-old, but still, things have been dicey. I'm sorry. But you are here.

So, in celebration of making it this far, I'd like to give you some advice.

Stop pulling your sister's hair. Look, we all know you think hair is amazing. But pulling your sister's hair is kind of causing problems. She wants to send you to time out. And every time I tell you not to do it, you laugh and give me that big gummy smile. It's not making you friends. Look, I know you are scrappy. But there are going to be several years of her being bigger than you, you might want to go easy on her.

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Sleep, for love of everything, sleep! We are a sleep-training house, buddy. I don't know if you missed that memo, but you are supposed to be sleep-trained. Remember all those times I made you "cry it out" and you just ended up talking happily for 40 minutes? We did that to help you learn to get through the 3 AM hump. You were supposed to learn something! You also weigh over 18 pounds, you should be able to do this sleep thing like a boss, but instead, despite my best efforts, you are waking up once at night for mom time. I love you, but you need to sleep.

I promise, I will feed you. It's not necessary to lose your poo and freak out every time I'm five minutes late with the baby food. Look, I know you love the purees, that's great. But you aren't going to die if you don't get that swallow of carrot. I will feed you. That's my job. I literally quit other jobs just so I can feed you. I won't let you go hungry. So let's all take a deep breath and stop chewing the table and sobbing. Also, some bonus advice: Your feet are not food.

Stop licking my iPhone.

Power cords are not candy. They are the exact opposite of candy. Stop eating them.

Keep your sunshiny heart. Nothing is better than your happy smiles. Keep that sunshine, baby. Everyone loves a happy smile, given freely without hesitation. And your smiles make us all better people. I find myself remembering to smile more because of your example. You were born in the summer with a bit of sun in you, I hope you always keep that.

Keep up the good work, little guy.


Mom (the lady with the boobs, who talks to you in a squeaky voice)

- By Lyz Lenz

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