Are 'Chinese Mothers' Best? How Different Parenting Styles Stack Up

By Jenny Everett,SELF magazine

Over the weekend, we read this fascinating Wall Street Journal essay about whether the tough-love Chinese parenting style is superior to the touchy-feely Western approach to raising kids.

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According to the writer, a Chinese mom who raised her children in America, the Chinese assume their kids are strong enough to handle practicing piano for hours on end, even when they are having a hard time with a complicated piece. The writer says that according to the Chinese mentality, it's OK to tell your kids they are "pathetic" or "garbage" when they aren't trying hard enough, or if they disrespect a parent. It's also OK to punish your children for getting an A-minus on a test.

We aren't ones to cast judgment on people's parenting prerogatives. However, the essay did make us curious about how different parenting styles stack up with experts, and what we can learn from each.

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"Parenting is extremely cultural," says social psychologist Susan Newman, Ph.D., author of several books including The Case For The Only Child (available in June). "The Chinese style dates back 30 years to China's one-child policy. From their perspective, they had this one shot to create a child who was very successful. So I think part of this is that parents sacrificed all for their children, and they continue to have these extremely high expectations for their children."

In the U.S., there are three general categories of parenting: Permissive, authoritative and demanding.

Permissive

The good: It's great to nurture a child's self-esteem to give them the confidence to try new things and think for themselves. "Parents often intervene in disputes when children are having an argument instead of letting children figure it out themselves," says Newman. "A little less coddling in the Western culture is positive."

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The bad: "Generally speaking, we are a culture of parents who can't say 'No.' It all boils down to 'No' -- we let our children off the hook a lot and make excuses for them. This is not all parents, but it's a good majority. We're very big on the blame game. We're very happy to say it was a bad teacher or the test wasn't fair when a child brings home a bad grade. Parents come up with all kinds of defensive ways to protect their children. Kids need to fail in order to learn how to succeed."

The takeaway: It's fine to be permissive in some situations, but if it's your across-the-board policy, you're probably being taken advantage of by your kids. Supplement your laid-back attitude by setting a motivational example. "What is your work ethic? What is your drive?" says Newman. "Kids pick up on these things. If you try to make a souffle and it collapses so you stop trying, that's teaching them that it's OK to give up when something is difficult."

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Authoritative


The good: Parents' wishes and parental respect come first. Teaching your children that you are in charge by saying "No" and demanding respect.

The bad: "The issue with across-the-board toughness is that children have different innate abilities and strengths," says Newman. "A Chinese mother would think I'm crazy for saying this, but you can only push a child so far before you have a backlash and they no longer want to please you, and there's unrepairable damage to the relationship with your child."

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The takeaway:Get to know your child. This sounds simple, but a lot of parents don't do it. Look at aptitude tests and their performance in sports and the arts to determine when they are being lazy and when they simply don't have they natural ability. Come down hard when you know they're not giving something their all, and be encouraging if it's an activity or subject that doesn't come easily.

Highly Demanding

The good: Being unrelenting in your expectations for a child may produce results from time to time, if and only if your child is responsive to that style of parenting. But, generally, says Newman, this style backfires.

The bad: At the extreme end of demanding, some of the harsher punishments -- yelling, name-calling and physical expressions of anger such as spanking -- can be seen as abusive. "I think you'd have a lot of trouble finding Western parents who are going to call their kids 'garbage' as the mother in the essay did," says Newman. "By our standards, it is abusive."

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The takeaway: Double-check your mindset. "Parenting has become so competitive -- it's really like a competitive sport in this country," says Newman. "Again, this harsher approach can jeopardize your relationship with your child. But this is not letting the majority of parents, the softies, off the hook. They still need to learn to say 'no.'"

Where do you fall on the parenting spectrum? Not a mom yet? Which style do you think you'll choose?


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