Back to School After Divorce

Parenting: Children Can Recover from Split if Teachers, Parents Work Together

By Michele Bush Kimball fordivorce360.com

When Mary Ann Gehrenbeck, an elementary school teacher in Silver Spring, Md., prepared to tell her son about her divorce, one of the first people she confided in was her sons teacher. I think parents sometimes feel shy or embarrassed and dont want to share the intimate details of their lives, Gehrenbeck said, but I think it is important for teachers to know and understand.


Returning to school after parents decide to separate or divorce can betraumatic. But

Gehrenbeck attributes her preparation and a unified effort between herself and her sons school for his positive transition.

Gehrenbecks son was 6 years old when she and her husband separated.Her divorce was final a few months ago. But it was the time immediately surrounding breaking the news to her son that was most important. And because he spends so much of his day in school, Gehrenbeck said, it was essential to draw his teachers into the process.

As a teacher and as a parent, she knows that students personal issues are part of the school experience. I understand that children come to school to learn, but they are truly individual people and they come with whatever they come with, Gehrenbeck said.We cant expect them to turn off what is going on with them.

So, for her, the answer was being honest with her sons teacher. She explained that she and her husband were separating, and her son might show signs of emotional turmoil.She also told his teacher about custody arrangements. And lastly, she told the teacher what day she planned to break the news to her son so the teacher would be aware of any changes in behavior. I think the big thing is helping kids feel as comfortable as they can and not making it this big secret that they cant talk about, Gehrenbeck said.

Gehrenbeck encouraged her sons teacher to talk to him about what was happening at home.She asked her sons teacher to use the same language in talking to him about his parents separation as they were all using at home. She also asked that, whenever possible, the teacher reiterate that the divorce was not in any way her sons fault.
Contacting the schools counselors can also help, Gehrenbeck said. Those are the people who are truly trained in this, and they can help normalize it, she said.

SCHOOL RESOURCES

Making use of school resources is a way to guide students through what might otherwise be a traumatic emotional experience, said Cheli Cerra, M.Ed., the author of the "School Talk!" series of books, which provide scenarios and solutions for improving communication among parents, teachers, students and principals.Cerra is a family education specialist in Miami, Fla., a principal of an elementary school, and the mother of two children.


Leaning on teachers and counselors in the school system will ensure that everyone involved with the student watches for any signs of emotional difficulty as a response to the divorce, Cerra said.
You have to keep a watchful eye to make sure the child does not get depressed,she said.

Beyond observing a students behavior, teachers can also help provide a stable, nurturing environment for the student.This can be especially important when the divorce is not amicable, Cerra said.
Keep the child in a positive environment, she said.Keep the negativity out.

It is also imperative that teachers are aware of the students home situation for the more mundane issues, Cerra said, like emergency contact cards, dropping the student off and school and picking the student up.Cerra said teacher need to be informed about any changes at home in order to help keep the student on track at school.


The best scenario for a child whose parents are going through a divorce is a combined effort between parents and the school.
The bottom line is making that child succeed and feel good about themselves,Cerra said.


PEER COMMUNICATION

Schools can offer their own sets of help and hindrances to kids whose parents are divorcing, said RobertEmery,Ph.D.,professor of psychology and director of the Center for Children, Families, and the Law at the University of Virginia. Emerys research focuses on childrens mental health and family relationships. His book "The truth about children and divorce: Dealing with the emotions so you and your children can thrive," is now out in paperback.


School can be a special challenge for kids, Emery said, or maybe it can be a respite or a source of stability, Emery said.It depends on the child and the school system. If there are few divorced families in the school system, it is especially challenging because social embarrassment becomes an issue.
However, if divorce is not uncommon, attending school can present a sense of normalcy, Emery said. The best way to navigate the situation is for parents to speak to children about the potential discomfort they might experience, he said.

Help in guiding children through the emotions of divorce can also be found in student support groups sponsored by schools, court systems and mental health facilities, Emery said. In his research, he has seen positive effects of peer groups that work on projects together. For example, the groups might work on art projects, or develop written work or even videotapes.


The key to the success of the groups is providing a safe haven for children, Emery said.The process is beneficial to children just beginning to deal with their parents divorces, and to those who have had time to process the situation, he said. Children and the beginning of the path find solace in not being alone in their new circumstances, while those who have moved along the path are encouraged by being able to help their peers, Emery said.


The best benefit of the support groups is providing children with a sense of belonging, Emery said.
"Kids dont want to feel different, he said.They can feel different and isolated and lonely because of what is going on in their family.


WATCHING FOR WARNING SIGNS

That sense of isolation and loneliness can be exacerbated when children have to leave the comfort and security of their parents to go to school, said M. Joanie Rankin, Psy.D., who is a psychology fellow at theMailman Center for Child Development at the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine. Going to school includes separation from the parents at sort of a tenuous time for them,said Rankin, who was a school psychologist before going back for her doctorate in psychology.She holds a masters in school psychology.

Knowing the difference will help the parent understand if the changes in the childs personality are related to the emotions he or she is feeling in reaction to the divorce.A common reaction is emotionalibility, in which the child is going along fine, but then begins crying for no reason, Rankin said.Another response might be the over-reaction to something that would not have bothered the child before.


The best way to handle the upheaval a child faces in going back to school after parents divorce is talking to them about what will happen, and developing a plan to react to it, Rankin said.
Its less of a shock, its less disturbing to them when the changes come about if they expect it, Rankin said, if they have been prepared.


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Michele Bush Kimball has a Ph.D. in mass communication with a specialization in media law.She has spent almost 15 yearsjournalism and teaches at American University in Washington, D.C.