My Children Have Their Own Parenting Theories
Some years ago, a lovely encounter with parenting/sleep consultant Natalie Nevares, founder of Mommywise, in the ever-enchanting Brooklyn Botanic Gardens cherry tree esplanade helped me to put my stress about my kids' sleep into some much-needed perspective. I will never forget that moment when I realized how silly it was to stress myself about nap schedules and where the kids slept and when and how and all of these things I'd been losing just this sleep I was trying to preserve over.
Nevares's non-dogmatic approach was so liberating! (She believes in something called "not feeling guilty or judging other mothers"...?) And this meeting couldn't have come at a better time for me. A few offhand comments from better sleep-trainers than I--and a bad sleep week to boot--had me feeling like a mess, as if I'd failed somehow by not getting my kids to sleep the way I wanted them to. Just the day before, I'd been beside myself because my son wouldn't nap (and I'd really, really been counting on that nap). My toddler daughter had asked, "What's wrong, Mama?" and then, rubbing my back: "Maybe you could drink some water? Or count to ten?"
But Natalie wisely pointed out that everyone was actually fine and in fact getting sleep and that if the baby wasn't on a nap schedule, so what? If we did some co-sleeping, and everyone was happy, then so what? If I threw Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child out the window, so what?
Now, I am all for this "whatever works" parenting technique. Unfortunately, my babies seem to come with their own built-in eating and sleeping manifestos, and they are quite dogmatic indeed.
Their parenting beliefs are as follows:
1. Babies will sleep in cribs if you really make a big deal about it, but would prefer not to. Have you ever felt a crib mattress? They are hard as rocks. No thanks. Please, bring us into bed and snuggle up. Pillows, blankets, warm bodies, yes please. What's this called? Co-sleeping? Whatever, yes, we believe in that. Prepare to nurse, lady.
2. This leads to our next major belief: nursing on demand. Is this seriously even a question? Is there seriously any other option? Babies need to be nursed every two hours until breast milk can be replaced with bunny crackers. This is a physical need; do not listen to anyone who says otherwise.
3. Strollers are OK if we can sit up and look at interesting things. If you ask us to lie down in strollers we will be forced to express our displeasure at high volumes. For the most part, though, we believe babies should be carried or worn or whatever you want to call it. Pretty much all the time. What's that? It's 110 degrees out and we are glued together with sweat? Fine with us.
In conclusion, my children seemed to have done their research and chosen Attachment Parenting. And guess what? They are a bit older now, and everyone sleeps in their own beds, and it happened essentially on its own. What I really learned from sleep-training was it's easy to make yourself crazy when it comes to your kids, but it's also an option to relax every once in a while. Listen to your kids. After all, they are experts at being kids.
Amy Shearn is the author of the novels The Mermaid of Brooklyn and How Far Is The Ocean from Here. This post originally appeared on her blog, Household Words.
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