Crabmommy: Funny (and annoying) threats our kids make

Glamour Magazine

It's all very well telling kids "use your words," but as we all know words can be just as dreadful as deeds.

Today, for example: I'm driving and attempting to tune out a scream of angry talk flying from the wee one's lips. Crabkid was ticked at me for leaving the library earlier than she wanted, and after a long, loud library tantrum (don't they have a special knack for tantrum venues?), she spent the car ride expressing herself in full.

Crabkid's at the stage where creative taunts of physical cruelty are threatened whenever things don't go well, ranging from the kicking of the mommy to the breaking of the mommy's head, and so forth. In the past I might have tried a spot of washing-the-mouth-out-with-soap, Victorian-mommy that I am, but now I am just too dang lazy and much more evolved. Of course, I tell Crabkid that threats of bodily harm aren't good or nice or kind, but no matter the punishments or non-punishments, the toughie talk remains.

How to Temper the Tantrum: A pediatrician and a licensed clinical social worker offer their wisdom on contending with these formidable flare-ups.

Back to the car today and the tirade of threats directed Mommyward: I worked hard to tune out the Medieval corrections my almost-four year old dreamed up for me, but I did catch the following, a kicker she evidently thought so brutal she saved it for last: "I'm going to mail you!" And then, in a shocked, venomous whisper--as though stunned by her own powers of cruelty--"In the mailbox, Mommy!"

Lines like that and I'm glad the kid can talk. But the rest of today's speech? It left me speechless and with only one thought in my head by the time we got home: I want wine.

What zingers have your kids let fly at you?

Kids say the darndest things when they first learn how to talk. Read more about Crabtot's first words.

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