Don’t Judge Me Because...My House is a Mess

Redbook

By Joslyn Gray, REDBOOK

My house is a mess, pretty much all the time. I wouldn't go so far as to say my house is unsanitary; it's just unsightly. I mean, if for some reason Child Protection Services showed up, I don't think we'd lose the kids. I try to keep the house just clean enough that we won't end up on the news one day, hanging our heads in shame as a police officer recounts the horror of our non-self-cleaning oven. You know what I'm talking about -- those news stories that include a shell-shocked police chief ending his sound bite with "... and there were dog feces everywhere."

Note to self: Never get a dog.

I should note that I do clean, sometimes. I clean when:

  • We have a party. Unfortunately, this means that any time I start cleaning, the kids get excited, thinking there's going to be cake.

  • Company is coming. My main cleaning efforts center on scheduling house guests at least a couple times a year. The last time we had company, my husband was confused (and concerned), thinking perhaps we had bought new carpeting. Alas, no, I had simply picked up enough of our junk that we could see the carpet.

  • There is an illness, especially the dreaded family stomach virus. This kicks me into high gear, sterilizing and de-funkifying everything possible. I have contemplated disinfecting the air by filling the humidifier with bleach, but apparently the manufacturers feel that this could cause respiratory distress. [Insert eye roll.]

Here's the thing: Housework sucks. It's boring. On a day-to-day basis, there are at least 11 million things I can think of that I'd rather do than clean. Important things -- like napping, surfing Facebook, and playing Just Dance with my children.

Recently I received an email from a PR firm asking me if I'd like to review a toilet cleaner for my blog. They actually expected me to videotape myself -- I'm not kidding -- doing a dance of joy because their toilet-cleansing product is so darn delightful.

Obviously, the PR firm hasn't seen my bathroom, which is the only one in the house for a family of six. Also, we are two years into the enchantment that is potty-training our five-year-old autistic son, so I feel like I already spend more than enough time hanging out by the commode, wiping up messes. (That's definitely not something I need immortalized on camera.) And I don't care how scrub-tastic that cleaner is, there is no way I'm going to do a dance of joy while I clean anything in that bathroom. If my son ever actually does become potty-trained, though, I will happily make a film of myself rocking out to Pitbull in the bathroom and post it on YouTube for all to see.

Read more about REDBOOK's No-Judgment Day at the Motherboard blog.

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