Five Phrases I Never Want My Kids to Say

The other night I heard something very disturbing come out of my 4-year-old daughter’s mouth. It wasn’t a four-lettered word beginning with F (been there, said that), it wasn’t inappropriate enough to get her thrown out of pre-K, but it was jarring nonetheless. The offending phrase: tennis shoes. Oh, the horror!

You see, I am from New York, and we currently live in New York, but my husband is from Michigan so certain Midwestern phrases and pronunciations have made their way into our home. And I’ve had to correct them, obviously. For example, my name is Ehr-in, not Ear-in; we drink Ar-ange juice not Oar-ange juice, and we wear sneakers, not tennis shoes. Call it regional dialect pride or linguistic snobbery, but I like the way we say things here. And, like most people, I think our way is the right way. (Check out this awesome map of all the different ways people speak in the U.S.)

I was raised on the north shore of Long Island, then went to the University of Tennessee for college (let’s just say I was exposed to some serious differences in the way people speak when I was down there). After college I lived in New York City for many years and now I’m back on Long Island where I’m raising my three children. I’ve been exposed to lots of different dialects and accents and bizarre terms for things (“fixin' to do something” comes to mind). I hope my kids get to experience different parts of the country, too. But I also hope they never forget where they came from…and how we speak here. So, in addition to tennis shoes (gah!), here are four other phrases that will be no-nos in my house:

Pop. Don’t get me wrong, I love Michigan. We go there often. We have lots of family and friends there. But carbonated beverages are called soda! Even worse than pop: In the south they refer to all soda as Coke, something I found baffling during my tenure in Knoxville. Example: “Can I have a coke?” “Sure, what kind?” “A sprite.” Do what?! (“Do what” may be my least favorite regional phrase of all time so I had to get that in here …).

Y’all. My kids are not in danger of using this term unless they go to college in the south, which I would totally support. I loved my time in Tennessee. I love going back to visit. I have many friends who still live there. They say y’all. I do not say y’all. I know a few northerners who use y’all in a non-irritating way, but 99 percent of the time I hear it up here, it irks me. You know those people who go to London for a week and come home with a British accent? So not cool.

Cawfee. I may be a Long Islander but I am not a Long Guylander and neither are my kids. (Newsflash: Not all people who live on Long Island speak like Joey Buttafuoco). Ditto bawl instead of ball and Dawg instead of Dog. Again, some of my favorite people in the world talk with hilariously thick Long Islander accents (I was with one of them last night) but it’s not the way I roll. Sorry! 

Subs/hoagies. Meat and cheese on a long piece of bread is called a hero. Period. And you get it from a deli. And those delis are everywhere and they sell made-to-order sandwiches (you don’t need to consult a menu) and fresh pickles and chips and sodas and iced tea and that’s about it. Oh, and egg sandwiches that are to die for.

OK, so I know some of you will see this post and think, hey, that’s how I talk! (Or maybe you’ll think I’m a real piece of work). I think it all comes down to where you live and what you prefer and this is my list. So, what regional phrases irk you?