Happy to Be a Stay-At-Home Dad

By Douglas Quenqua, REDBOOK

Stay-at-home dads are forming groups all over the country. We spied on four of them-and learned a lot about men, kids, and love.

There are support networks aplenty if you're a stay-at-home mom, but if you're a full-time dad, good luck gaining entry. "I know what an episiotomy is, but if you're a woman, you probably don't want to talk about it with me," says Shannon Carpenter, a dad in Kansas City, MO, who, like a growing number of American men, stays home to care for his two kids. Feeling a bit out of place at local mommy-and-me classes, Shannon and other fathers have banded together into what might be described as fraternities for 30-somethings: stay-at-home-dad groups. Some form after guys meet at their kids' school functions, others are born out of Facebook groups and Craigslist postings; most of them meet at least once a week, usually at a playground or one guy's home. And memberships are rising: There are about 150,000 stay-at-home dads in the United States, according to the 2010 Census, which, though a small number, is up an estimated 65 percent from a decade ago. And the numbers are likely even higher due to the many men who work part-time, or consider their situation to be temporary.

We hung out with several SAHD groups around the country to get a bead on exactly what these fathers do best. No matter who's on call most in your house, these guys can teach you plenty about parenting (like how much toddlers love NASCAR!).

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1. "THE DIPLOMATS"
Washington, DC; 500 members

WHY YOU SHOULD TRUST YOUR MAN: "There are only two things guys can't do," says Mike Stilwell, "head dad" of the DC Metro Dads group and father to Patrick, 25, Virginia, 22, and Mary, 15. "We can't physically give birth and we can't breast-feed. Everything else we can handle."

HOW TO GET HIM TO PITCH IN: Put him in charge of one daily activity, says Marcus Zumwalt, father of five kids ranging in age from 3 to 9. Giving him something he can look forward to doing with them will make him happy to get involved. "For example, my wife always puts the kids to bed," he explains. "She likes knowing that whatever else happens during the day, she's guaranteed those five to 10 minutes of one-on-one time."

THE BEAUTY OF LETTING GO: "With the guys, no one cares if you're 20 minutes late. And we're willing to let the children climb a little higher on the monkey bars, and go a little farther across the playground," says Marcus. "I think that's a good thing."

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2. "THE CHILLED-OUT DUDES"
Austin, TX; 190 members

REGRESSION IS GOOD! "Get down on your kids' level, literally," recommends Rod Haden, father of Caleb, 4, and a member of the Austin SAHD Group. "Play with them, sit on the floor. What your kids love most is for you to be a kid with them."

SURPRISE MEMBER: This year, the group brought its first mom into the fold. "Mostly everybody was very welcoming of her," says Rod. She has yet to attend a Dad's Night Out (it happens one night a month, no kids allowed!), but she will soon. Rod does admit that there might be "fewer off-color jokes" told while she's around.

HOW TO GET YOUR GUY TO HELP WITH THE KIDS: Throw him in the deep end, says Caelum "CJ" Jones, father of Isabella, 8, Victoria, 6, and Ouin, 2. "Take a long weekend and leave the kids alone with Dad. He'll figure it out."

WHAT THEY DO DIFFERENTLY FROM THEIR WIVES: "Fathers are more willing to tell their kids, 'Go ahead, see what you can do,'" says Rod. "My son has survived so far, and I think it's given him confidence in himself." For example, right after Rod's son turned 2, they were at the park, just the two of them, and Caleb spied a bike belonging to a 4-year-old. He made a beeline for it, and Rod figured, Why not? "After a few minutes and a seat adjustment, Caleb was doing his best to push on the pedals. He couldn't quite get them to go all the way around, but he did ride a bike for the first time at 2 years old!"

Read More About These Stay-at-Home Dad Groups at REDBOOKmag.com.


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