KID LOGIC: Why Plain Donuts Suck, by a 12-year-old

Hey look donuts! Never mind, they're plain. (ThinkStock)Hey look donuts! Never mind, they're plain. (ThinkStock)
Sometimes it takes a genius to point out the most obvious things in life. Or a kid. Our new series Kid Logic brings you those epiphanies from the brilliant minds of young people. Listen and learn, grown-ups.

THE FAKE DOUGHNUT: A BRIEF ESSAY BY A 12-YEAR-OLD
"You know what I think is weird? Fake donuts, A.K.A. plain ones. I mean, you just stroll into a Dunkin Donuts and you see all the different flavors and types, like Glazed, Strawberry, Boston Kreme, and Chocolate Frosted. And there, just sitting there among the wonderful flavors, acting like it belongs there, is Plain. Right there, laying on the pink and orange tissue paper, with the little shiny silver walls of the crate it's in surrounding it, just like all the real ones. But it's not! It's not one of them. It has no frosting, no sprinkles, no glaze, no cream, no fillings or toppings at all! It shouldn't even be called a doughnut! Or a pastry of any kind. It's just a BAGEL! A BAGEL!

Our pals at Buzzfeed shared the hand-written 134-word essay conceived by a grade schooler, which I've transcribed in full, above. It is, in no short order, mind-blowing. Here we are, using our adult minds to invent super-donuts infused with foie gras, topped with bacon, and other outrageous ingredients. And all the while, we've done nothing about the biggest problem in donut culture: plain. Why are we using our valuable resources to make boring, flavorless doughnuts when nobody really likes them anyway? Note to any plain defenders: take more risks.

Whoever wrote this essay (the future Jerry Seinfeld?) has inspired me to also call out some other dessert hold-overs that need to be expired thanks to our advances in sugar technology. I'm talking sugar cookies, Lorna Doones, those cardboard graham crackers that get caught in braces and wisdom teeth and have to be fingered out with a pinky nail. We may be still recovering from a recession, but this isn't the Great Depression, people. Enough with the plain desserts. What other bland sweets should we expire in 2012?

UPDATE: Mom Lisa Chedekel Facebook-ed me after reading this story to tell me her daughter is the 12-year-old genius responsible for the donut manifesto. "I saw the essay in her writing notebook yesterday and stuck it up on my Facebook page," writes Lisa, a veteran journalist based in Massachusetts. In a day it was required internet reading.

Meanwhile, mom had known about her 6th grader's pastry problem long before she found the essay. "She's been bothered by plain donuts for at least a year," writes Lisa. "Every time we go into Dunkin' Donuts, she gets going about how they're not real donuts." She's right. They're bagels. All of them, bagels.

Copyright © 2012 Yahoo Inc.

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