The Moment that Always Makes Me Feel like I Suck at Parenting

I think my kids are generally well-behaved. We have our issues but for the most part they are good, sweet, funny little humans. And I feel like I am (mostly) in control and (more often than not) doing an above-average job at the whole parenting thing. There is one big exception to this and when it happens, it makes me feel like I should just stamp "failure" across my head. The moment in question: When it's time to leave somewhere fun and I say, "OK guys, let's go!" Lately, instead of hopping to, my children--six and almost four--tend to spiral out of control and turn into devil spawn. They whine, they run away from me, they may even say unsavory things. Since this usually happens in front of other people (friends, my parents, strangers at the park), it's extra frustrating and completely embarrassing.

We had one of these ungraceful exit episodes at the playground a few days ago that, naturally, took place in front of a guy I went to high school with who I haven't seen in a million years. Isn't that always the way? It started off to be a nice little visit. I ran into this dude and we caught up while our kids darted around happily. I was actually feeling proud of my brood--they both happened to be impeccably dressed, Nora's hair was actually brushed, they were being kind and cute, chatting up all the other kids. Then, after the five-minute warning I'd issued, I told them it was time to leave. Big Mistake. They groaned loud enough for everyone to hear. They protested in shrill whines. Then Nora ran away from me. And Alex ran away from me. They were both laughing maniacally. In an instant, I had lost complete control. "This is gonna be fun," I said to the guy, who smiled knowingly. Fortunately I caught Alex's eye as he danced on top of the fire engine and when he saw my death glare he realized he better get his ass in gear (at six, he's a lot better at listening/being scared into submission). He stood by the fence while my three-year-old went for a world record in disrespecting me. As I approached her she ran to the slide and when I shouted after her that that was her last ride, she said "OK mom," then got to the bottom, looked me in the eyes, squealed and ran right past me up the slide again.

I smiled one of those "kids will be kids" commiserating smiles at the other parents but I really wanted to do was chase her little ass up the ladder and drag her out of the playground by her ponytail. I didn't. I couldn't. They're faster than me at this point. It's like they can sense weakness--my particular weakness being that I'm 36-plus weeks pregnant and not as quick on my mom feet as usual. I couldn't even get close enough to them to whisper-growl a threat into their ear. And I'm not the mom who's going to scream at my kids in front of a playground full of people so I just had to let the scene run its course. Meanwhile, Alex was doing his best to wait patiently by the fence but he doesn't sit still very well and if he senses an out, he'll take it. So he was on the move again. If you were a fly on the monkey bars you would think, Whoa that woman is nuts. She has two wild animals and actually went back for a third? I'm sure that's what some of the parents were thinking.

Eventually I herded my children out of the gate. Then Nora ran up the grassy hill just to put the icing on the bad mom cake. When we got into the car I gave them an earful. I was exasperated and embarrassed and disappointed. Fortunately, the guy I ran into is probably one of the most laid back people on the planet so I'm sure he wasn't phased. But still…. I know we're not supposed to care what other people think of our parenting prowess but I do. Even strangers. When my children act up in public, I know others are judging me as a mom. And I don't like being judged (good thing I write a blog, right?). I've gotten a lot less sensitive as my kids have gotten older (the longer you do this gig, the more you realize no one is perfect and we all have our moments), but I still find myself wanting to shout, but they're not always like this! Sometimes they obey me!

On Saturday I had the exact opposite experience. My husband was playing in an all-day golf tournament with his buddies so I took the kids pumpkin picking with my sisters. When we came home, they napped happily then decorated their pumpkins in the dining room while I arranged the sunflowers I'd bought and made BBQ sauce for the pulled pork that was slow-cooking in the oven. We had a pumpkin spice candle burning and Vince Guaraldi radio on Pandora. Alex made jack-o-lantern hats for the two of them. We talked about Halloween. They didn't fight! If you were a fly on that wall you'd think I was the perfect mix of Martha Stewart and Mother of the Year. But of course no one was there to see it. (I did take a few pictures so I'd have proof--see above). I guess I should feel lucky that those low-mom moments are always followed by highs like Saturday--that's parenting for you, right? A constant rollercoaster ride of feeling like you're in complete control (I got this! Parenting is easy!)--then losing your stomach as you plummet to embarrassing depths of kid chaos. That said, we definitely need to work on making more graceful exits. Let me know how you do it!

P.S., I stopped taking Nora to the library and to Alex's bus stop with me because she refused to leave and ran away and acted like a complete lunatic. And we definitely won't be going back to the playground for a while after what happened last week. I may be slow these days but I'm still in charge (most days). Make me look like a fool at the playground once, shame on you. Make me look like a fool at the playground twice, shame on me.