Why the Mommy Wars Need to End

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ThinkStock

It seems like every week there’s a story in the news that gets women — specifically mothers — talking. Case in point: Over the weekend, actress and mother of two Emma Thompson told the Daily Mail, “You can’t be a great mum and keep working all the time,” adding that all moms should take a year off work if they can afford it. Recently, we've also heard Gwyneth Paltrow lament that a Hollywood mom’s schedule is more difficult than that of a mother with a “routine” office job; expectant mother Mila Kunis say that she plans to forgo an epidural to get her delivery "right"; a Florida hospital announcing it would no longer distribute formula in an effort to increase breastfeeding; and women are facing arrest for nursing in public.

Once again, the "mommy wars" rage on: Breast milk vs. formula. Working vs. staying at home. Using pain medication vs. forgoing it during childbirth.

But focusing our energy on these incremental controversies distracts from the bigger issues: the underlying systematic policies in America that make motherhood feel like a battlefield. Because in the end, no one wins. Working mothers often feel torn between having to sprint from the office to daycare — potentially missing career-furthering opportunities — and working late, which means sacrificing quality time with their children. On the other hand, stay-at-home moms often say they feel resentful about shouldering extra duties at school and that they long for both well-rounded identities separate from family as well as challenges outside the home.

Instead of women venting their frustration at each other, the best way to end this fight is to direct attention to the government and corporate structures that allow it to continue.

For example, there’s the issue of breastfeeding, which is often less of a personal decision and more of an economical one in the United States. According to the United Nations, we're the only Western country and one of only three nations in the entire world that doesn’t offer any monetary payment to new mothers who want to take maternity leave from their jobs, which would, in turn, allow them more time to breastfeed. According to a story published recently in the New York Times, only 12 percent of female workers and 5 percent of low-wage female workers in the U.S. are granted paid maternity leave. Those who can’t afford three months without pay aren’t likely to breastfeed at all.

According to a recent report conducted by the Pew Research Center, the cost of childcare has spiked by more than 70 percent between 1985 and 2011, so it’s no surprise that 47 percent of both employed and unemployed mothers say their ideal situation is to work part-time. However, given that their new schedules would lead to a paycut, it’s not exactly realistic. Though more women are staying at home with their children — 29 percent in 2012, up from "a modern-era low of 23 percent in 1999" according to another Pew Research study — for many of them, staying home is not a choice. A growing share of stay-at-home moms (6 percent in 2012, compared with 1 percent in 2000) say they are home with their children because they cannot find a job. Many, especially those who are less educated, simply can’t find work and it makes economical sense for them to be full-time mothers, reports a Pew Research survey.

And of course, being unemployed often means not having access to proper prenatal care. Sadly, maternal death is on the rise in the United States, a country with a maternal mortality rate that ranks 60th in the world, below every other developed nation. Most of these deaths are preventable and stem from medical issues such as diabetes, obesity, and kidney problems — problems that either escalated or were triggered by pregnancy. In many cases, women give birth without ever having a prenatal checkup.

Flexible work policies that allow work-from-home schedules, affordable health care, paid maternity leave, and accessible child care are all concepts that would go a long way in improving women's — and families' — lives. The solutions to these problems seem clear. The path to getting there? Not so much.

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