Murphy's 8 Laws of Children
By Charlotte Hilton Andersen,
Sometimes referred to as "the law of low expectations" I think Murphy's law was invented for kids. After all, "if it can go wrong, it will go wrong" pretty much defines the last 10 years of my life. I jest, but only a little. Here is how Murphy's law works in my house:
1. The Law of the Grocery Cart: When your child is a toddler they will thrash and scream to get out of the cart, but you can't let them or it'll be a Code Adam in about two minutes. But then as soon as they're in grade school and capable of walking responsibly, all they'll do is hang all over the cart.
2. The Law of the White Suit/Dress: Just like you are guaranteed to get your period the day you put on your new white linen pants, the second that little white dress makes an appearance, someone will hand your kid grape Fanta.
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3. The Law of the Diaper Blowout: The noise your infant's bowel movements produce is inversely proportional to how quiet the surrounding environment is. The worst blowout my son ever had was in the middle of the prayer and meditation portion of our church service.
4. The Law of the Cell Phone: You may put your phone up 364 days of the year but that one time you leave it on the coffee table it will be on, unlocked and dialing China before you even know it's missing.
5. The Law of Confession: The same child who will answer all your questions with "I don't know" will suddenly open up to his preschool teacher, the neighbor and the mall Santa Claus about the time you farted at playgroup and blamed him.
6. The Law of Dirty Underwear: Used undies will be shoved under the bed because putting them in the laundry basket is too much work. Clean undies, however, will be left in the laundry basket because putting them away is too much work. Thereby starting a never ending cycle of the dirty ones getting dirtier and the clean ones getting cleaner.
7. The Law of Vomit: Children are anathema to puking alone and so the sicker they are, the more they will (understandably) want to snuggle with you. Unfortunately this makes you the de facto barf receptacle. Also, kids are incapable of getting the flu during the day. The first puke must happen between midnight and 3 a.m. waking you out of a dead sleep.
8. The Law of Holiday Gifts: Your child will only want what is in her sister's package, even if it's underwear.
How does Murphy's Law operate with your kids? Do you have any to add to my list?
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