North West Has Taken Her First Steps, Shuffles Closer to World Domination
Josh Duboff
It is now clear that when Neil Armstrong said, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," it had nothing to do with the moon or anything, as we all assumed; he had instead, due to some freak atmospheric break, seen a vision up in space of a Kim Kardashian Instagram that would be posted some 55 years in the future.
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Yes, our future president-one-year-old North West-took her first steps yesterday, which explains why the trees appear greener today, why the birds are chirping merrier melodies than anyone has heard before, why your bus arrived two minutes early today-the environment is responding correspondingly to this seismic development.
The moment was captured via Instagram, but of course, as Kim posted a picture, taken by Kanye West, of Kim cradling a yellow towel-sheathed North. She captioned the shot, which already has over 1.1 million likes, "Our baby girl finished one week of swimming lessons today then took her 1st steps right when she got out of the pool!!!! Mommy & Daddy are so proud of you!!!! Photo cred: Daddy."
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A few questions we have:
- If Kanye is a "blowfish" and Kim is a "dinosaur," what does that make North?
- If their record-setting wedding Instagram took four days to perfect, are we really to believe Kim posted this one on the same day as said first steps, or is their some historical revisionism at play here
- How many lamps did Kris Jenner just knock to the ground, furious that these steps weren't captured by the cameras for Keeping Up with the Kardashians?
- Why does Kim insist on cropping her Instagrams with these unnecessary, weird white borders?
- Forget anything True Detective told us, it seems evident North is the true Yellow King, right?
Meanwhile, Prince George just whispered, "Been there, done that," to Kate Middleton, rolling his eyes between bites of foie gras.
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