The day is approaching that maybe, just MAYBE, my oldest child will be legally mine. It's got me very emotional. It's got me to thinking that now, it's very real. Not that raising two little boys for over a year now has been anything but real - I realize that. I've carried a dread in my heart this last year, though, like they could slip through my fingers at any moment. But now, with possible adoption looming, I'm not just ecstatic - I'm scared for a whole new reason. The decisions that affect their lives will truly be ours, their future, soley in our hands. All of the sudden I'm questioning my judgment as a mother. Should I be reading more books like Love and Logic? Should I be serving more disgusting things, like okra and tofu? Should they be taking piano lessons? Should they stop peeing out the back door? All of these are very good questions. There's a much bigger one looming every single day, though, as I watch these boys grow up. Should I quit my job?
My job is a demanding, full time, crazy days and sleepless nights kind of job. It's heart breaking sometimes, a hostile environment often. It's hard to shake off, although after 6 years I've gotten pretty adept at doing just that. In doing so, though, sometimes I feel like I've become a harder, less sympathetic person.
On top of that, these boys are growing up so quickly. It won't be long before their leaving the house each morning is a necessity, not a choice I've made. I want more morning snuggles, more late breakfasts following games of tag in the dewy yard. When they wake up in the morning, from a nap, in the night - it should be me who is there to hold them as they adjust their sleepy eyes. I want to take them on afternoon picnics and swimming at the pool.
Of course money is an issue; so is guilt over leaving my workplace, although I realize the guilt for quitting my job would never surpass the guilt for missing out on so much of their lives. It's funny, before I was a mom I would say quite defiantly, "I could NEVER be a stay at home mom."
So I'm looking for help, for advice, for confirmation. The pros and cons….tell me what you think?