Should You Care What Your Kid Says About You to Other People?

My 6-year-old’s religion teacher is one of my closest friends, which means I get all the behind-the-scenes dirt from their weekly classes. She tells me the truth when I ask if he behaves and she shares funny, first-grade-boys-being-boys anecdotes. The latest dish came from last week’s class when they were discussing the sacrament of reconciliation. She explained to the group that sometimes we make mistakes and then we have to ask for forgiveness. She asked the boys if anyone wanted to share a time when they had to say I'm sorry for a mistake they’d made. Apparently all the hands shot up except my son’s. When everyone got through sharing, my friend asked Alex if there was ever a time he made a mistake and had to say he was sorry. Here’s how it went down from there:

Alex: “Um. I've never made any mistakes…but my DAD has.”

Teacher: “I bet you've made a mistake sometime in your life and had to say sorry…”

Alex: “Well, uh, maybe…but my Dad made a REALLY big mistake.”

[Note: As my friend was relaying this conversation to me, I got a pit in my stomach at this point thinking holy $#!! What is he going to say?!]

Teacher:  “OK, but…” (And before she was able to stop him, he continued.)

Alex: “This one time, my dad washed Molly's clothes in the wrong detergent and my mom was REALLY mad.”

[Note: phew!]

Teacher: “And, did your Dad say he was sorry?”

Alex: NO! My mom and dad got in a SCREAMING match and were yelling back and forth about "Why did you do that?" and “I asked you not to” and “just relax” and all kinds of stuff.

Teacher: (stifling laughter) “OK, thanks, moving on…."

As I listened to this little recap, several thoughts circulated through my mind:

1. Of all the quarrels he’s witnessed, thank god he picked one as benign as this!

2. I sound like a real piece of work.

3. OMG, I wonder what else he’s telling people about us?!

4. We really need to watch what we do and say in front of the kids.

5. I’m still kind of annoyed about the laundry.

Of course, I felt the need to explain the “screaming match” to my friend (and to all of you): It was not a huge fight by any means and no voices were raised. it was more mock fighting because I was legitimately pissed. An hour earlier I’d specifically asked my husband not to put any laundry in at all, let alone wash all of our 3-month-old’s new clothes with his gym clothes in the regular detergent, but I realized I couldn’t get truly mad at someone who was just trying to help me out. Still, I had to say something (see number 5, above).

Hearing the way my son retold the episode was funny, of course, but also eye-opening. Clearly we needed the reminder that kids absorb everything and have no problem airing the family’s dirty laundry (pun intended). And we need to rein in the “screaming matches” since Alex, especially, is sensitive to that kind of thing. We try hard not to argue in front of our kids but sometimes it happens. Fortunately, his religion teacher has been my friend for nearly 30 years and knows we are not crazy people. But I can’t help wonder what he’s telling others about us. And lord knows what my 4-year-old is sharing with her teachers. With her imagination and sassiness I’m sure most of it isn’t even true, which concerns me more than Alex’s play-by-plays. I was in the bagel store the other day and a little boy came up to us and, out of nowhere, says, “I don’t have a dad.” The mom whipped around and was like, “Um, yes you do!” I thought it was hilarious though I’m sure the mom was a little embarrassed…or concerned. Kids definitely say the darndest things, but do you ever wonder what they’re saying about you when you’re not there?