Straight Talk: How do I know which is the "real" gay dad?

Q: Sometimes through friends or my work here in New York City, I'll meet a family with gay parents and I'll wonder where the kids came from. Did they adopt? Use a surrogate? Are they from a previous (straight) marriage? The other day, I met these two really nice guys with a young son. I didn't want to be rude so I didn't ask, but is there a polite way to find out which one is the "real" dad in such a situation?

A: To be honest, I'm not sure why you need to know who the "real" father is- other than idle curiosity. Let me ask this in response: What difference would it make to you to know which father has a genetic connection to the child -- if that's what you mean by "real"? I think that being a good father (or mother) has much less to do with a blood connection and much more to do with hands-on parenting as well loving and providing for a child.

Or if you mean "real" in a legal sense, consider how tricky affirming gay parenthood by law can often be. You likely know that very few gay couples have access to legally-sanctioned marriage in this country, which makes it difficult for two same-sex individuals to be considered legal parents of a little one. (Eleven states and the District of Columbia allow for full joint adoption by same-sex couples.) More often that not, one member of a same-sex couple becomes the legal parent because of the discriminatory nature of state parenting statutes. In the majority of the remaining states - but certainly not all - the other partner can become a legal guardian through a procedure called "second party" adoptions, which involves going to court to get a formal affirmation of his or her rights and responsibilities to the child. But this is not always a done deal and often comes with much anxiety to gay parents.

Even if these laws took a giant step forward and were suddenly more equitable for gay parents, I would still tell you this: Neither blood nor laws make one parent "more" than the other. The far more important questions are: Who is responsible for these children? Who loves them and takes care of them? I also suggest keeping in mind that this is not really as much of a gay-straight thing as it looks like at first! Lots and lots of straight parents aren't related to their kids by blood or affirmed by any sort of legal documents either - although the law makes it much easier for them to do so if they'd like to.


Question: What has been your experience with gay families where you live?

Steven Petrow is the author of the forthcoming book, Steven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners and can be found online at www.gaymanners.com. Got a question, send it to: ask@gaymanners.com