Straight Talk: "The Modern Family When a Son Becomes a Sperm Donor"

Q: My son is in his first year of medical school and some lesbian friends of his want him to help them get pregnant. He's thinking about it, but I'm a wreck. This is my grandchild they're talking about, and I'd never even get to see the kid!

A: It's perfectly understandable for you to want a relationship with your son's special DNA project, but it sounds as if you're doing what I often call "future tripping." Which is to say, "Slow down, Grandma!" From what you've written it sounds as though your son is still contemplating this arrangement -- that he hasn't made a decision one way or another. Even that's just the first juncture in this long and winding road. Assuming he decides to become a sperm donor to one of his friends (or potentially both down the road, making any kids half siblings), he probably doesn't know yet what role, if any, he'll be taking with the little one.

So don't leap to the conclusion that your son's donation would put your grandchild out of your reach. In fact, many sperm donors who are friends withthe moms-to-be decide to take an active (if not a legally protected) role in the child's life. This is usually called co-parenting. If this winds up being the case, you'd be a grandmother not only in name (do you prefer "Nana" or "Granny"?), but in actuality, which could mean babysitting, helping with diaper changes, and gift giving.

It's also possible that he will take on no parental responsibilities at all, forfeiting the hands-on role but still getting to know the child, say as an "uncle." (That might make you a "great aunt," or something along those lines.)

Anyway, instead of fretting, start by asking your son some questions about the arrangements that are being discussed, rather than telling him how worried you are. Let him know that you'd value getting to know the child-to-be - he may not have even considered that angle. Don't pressure him or judge him, no matter what he or the prospective mothers choose to do. Above all, put the child's interests before your own. Got it, granny?

Steven Petrow is the author of the just released Steven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners: The Definitive Guide to LGBT Life and can be found online here.