How to Talk to Your Kids About Divorce
The scenario: Your best friend, Sara, and her husband are breaking up. It's a bitter split. She's been coming by often - in tears - for consolation. When your kid comes to you asking for an explanation, here's how to give him the info he needs - and not a bit more.
AGES 8 AND UNDER
"All kids this age really want to know is, 'What does this mean for me? Will my life change?' It's not selfish; it's natural for young children to be egocentric - Do I have to worry the same bad thing will happen to me?" says Harold Koplewicz, M.D., a child and adolescent psychiatrist and founding president of the Child Mind Institute in New York City. Stick to the facts about what's happening now and about what will happen in the near future. Also, see the situation through your child's eyes: He might think of Sara only as the mother of his friend Bobby and then be worried about his friend Bobby.
What to say: "Sara is OK; Bobby is fine. Sara and her husband are talking about getting a divorce. Bobby knows about it. Sara's sad now, but one day she'll be happy again. She will probably come by more often to talk and maybe cry. You'll still have playdates with Bobby, just like always. Sometimes mothers and fathers have bad fights, but Bobby's parents are still taking care of him."
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AGES 9 TO 14
Despite having watched princess movies since birth, tweens do not yet have a firm grasp on the concept of romantic love. A young kid might be satisfied by hearing, "They fell out of love," but a tween will go to the next level and wonder, Is love something you can fall in and out of?If Sara and Charlie's marriage was so flimsy, what about Mom and Dad's? If your child verbalizes this, you may be tempted to differentiate Sara and Charlie's relationship from your own and to discuss the shifting dynamics in romantic unions. In a word: Don't. You'll only confuse them more. "They just won't get it and may be more confused and upset," says John Duffy, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist and author of The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens.
What to say: When talking to tweens about romantic drama, make long stories short and muffle your emotions - especially those involving harsh judgment. Keep remarks concrete. Say, "Sara and Charlie are separated now, and they are figuring out how best to move forward. They are both adults, and what they do is not our business, but we do know that Sara needs my friendship now more than ever."
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AGES 15 AND UP
Older teenagers are capable of a more nuanced interpretation, and by now, yours has probably seen a few divorces among her friends' parents. However, "you must resist the impulse to get gossipy with your teenage kids. Even if the details are juicy, you can't count on a kid that age not to follow your example and share everything with all of her friends. [Once she has that information] it's just too big a temptation," says Duffy.
What to say: Experts suggest, "We can theorize about what happened, but we'll never really understand because it's their life, not ours." A parent has to model generosity and empathy, not the art of conjecture or how to gossip. If a teen keeps pressing to know whether there's a third party involved - and there happens to be - you can demur and say, "The details aren't clear, and it's not our business anyway. We do know that she is upset. We can focus our attention on her."
- By Valerie Frankel
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