Talking to Kids About Death

Nearly two years ago, "Granny," my husband's grandmother passed away. We knew the end was near for her, and, frankly, we were glad that she passed as quickly as she did with no painful complications. As much as I miss her, I am so thankful that the timing was perfect and that she was surrounded by those who love her.

Unfortunately, our family was unable to be included in the gathering around her at the time of our passing. We told the kids what was happening, as she began to fail, in order to give them plenty of time to prepare themselves for her absence.

The night she passed, I answered the phone, then handed it to my husband and went back to sit with the kids at the dinner table. They were joking and laughing about something, and I hated to interrupt their joy with my sad news. I waited for a break in the conversation, and then I said, "Granny is in heaven now."

My seven-year-old asked, "Did she die?" I nodded. She took some time to take in that information. My four-year-old thought about it and then asked what Granny's brother, who lived with her, was going to do. More than the loss or the death, she was quite concerned that her great-great uncle would be all alone. After a little more discussion, she decided that if the uncle could go live with his 101-year-old aunt, who currently lives alone, then both of them would not be lonely. Once that pressing issue was resolved, she seemed quite at peace with the whole situation.

My seven-year-old spoke up again. She announced that she wasn't sure she really believed that there is a heaven and that people go there when they die. When questioned further, she revealed that she thought that people just died and that was it. While it wasn't what I expected her to say, I have learned (the hard way!) to let her explore her own thoughts and come to a conclusion on her own. I definitely cannot convince her of something that she doesn't come to in her own time and own way.

I'm not sure that my two-year-old had any idea what was going on. He just made a few funny faces and silly comments. In the midst of my grief, I found myself laughing at his clownish behavior. When my husband returned to the table, we had more of the same conversation for his benefit. Then the kids went back to clowning around.

For me, it was such a weird feeling to be so deeply sad, and yet not being able to keep myself from laughing at my kids' antics. Life really does go on. Kids somehow are able to remind us that there is more to death than grief.

We let the two oldest attend her visitation. My husband asked my four-year-old what she thought as they sat and looked at Granny in her casket. She thought about it for a bit and then said, "she...looks...so......dead." Since it is often so hard to know what goes on in the little minds, I was glad that she could be so forthcoming, although this isn't anything close to what I would have expected her to say. I'm not sure what she thinks "death" is, but I'm glad that she could gain some sense of the finality of Granny's life.

I am sure that this isn't the last conversation we will have about death. I'm learning just to handle these conversations as they come up and not let them stress me out too much. Death isn't something that we as adults know how to process easily; I'm happy to give my kids as many opportunities and conversations to work out their thoughts on the topic as they need. So far they haven't given me too much more than I can handle.

Let's just hope it stays that way...

You can find more of Melanie'sparenthoodpondering at her blog, tales from the crib.