The Great Mom Debate: Do You Tell Your Daughter She's Pretty?
By Charlotte Hilton Andersen,
After losing a daughter to a genetic disorder that only affects girls and then having three boys, to say having our baby girl was a seminal moment in my life would be an understatement. She was the girl we thought we could never have. She was our miracle. And what was the first thing I said after she was born? "Oh, she is so beautiful!!" (Lie: that was the second thing. The first thing I said was "I am NEVER doing that again; that hurt so bad that not only will I not forget it; I will likely have PTSD from it.") No one could fault me for finding her absolutely gorgeous-not to get all proud mom up in here but is she ever!-but I had a slight twinge of guilt when I said it. Not even two minutes old and already we were into mother guilt.
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20 months later and I'm still having little guilt spasms every time I tell her she's pretty-something I do about 100 times a day. While I also tell her she's smart, funny, stubborn, independent and strong (also all true, seriously I'm going to stop gushing about her now, I swear), I can't help myself from indulging in the visceral delight of admiring her. And if you think I'm bad, you should see the little old ladies at the grocery store. And it's not just my little girl that gets lavished with physical praises. There's just something so fun about telling a little girl in a twirly dress that she's gorgeous.
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And yet Lisa Bloom, writing for the Huffington Post, says telling little girls they are pretty "sets them up for dieting at age 5, foundation at 11, boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23." A little extreme? Perhaps, but her next point rings very true in our culture where Snooki makes more money for a speaking engagement than a Nobel prize winner. Writes Bloom, "As the cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal, American women have become increasingly unhappy. What's missing? A life of meaning, of ideas, of reading books and being valued for our thoughts and accomplishments."
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Ok, so in a world where, sadly, beauty is power and a woman's looks her most liquid currency, clearly I want my daughter to be more than her looks, but still-is it wrong that my daughter should hear that she's pretty? Anna North, writing for Jezebel.com, says, "One problematic thing with telling someone she's pretty is that ultimately it doesn't mean all that much...It doesn't mean that a kid will be successful, happy, fulfilled or loved. Any child who thinks that beauty is a guarantee of satisfaction in life will be at best disappointed, and at worst, obsessed with an unattainable ideal." As a woman who has struggled with eating disorders most of her adult life, I find that particularly chilling.
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The last thing I want to do is pass on our society's warped expectations or my own personal history of low self-esteem, but is not telling my daughter she's pretty the way to do that? How do you handle this issue with your daughters or other little girls?
Do you tell your daughter's she's pretty? Take our poll.
- Pretty is as pretty does. I focus my compliments on things she does, not things she is.
- I try to stay balanced. For every "pretty," I make sure there's a "strong" or "smart" to go with it.
- Little girls are meant to be adored! The whole world will tell her she's not good enough, so shouldn't her mom be able to tell her she's gorgeous?
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