The Pre-K dilemma: Finding the best place for the 5-year old preschooler

Many parents struggle with the choice of where their kids should spend their official "Pre-k year," that formative time before they enter the official school system, where they will hopefully undergo the "kindergarten readiness" training. Since my daughter was born in the fall, in California she falls into that gray area of kindergarten enrollment where she could start at 4, or wait a year, until she is nearly 6. I'm finding it's common (at least among parents I know) to keep the kids back (red-shirting, as it's jokingly called), and I'm mostly on board with that since I don't see the point of rushing Alice (or us) into the rigidity of the school year.

Plus,enrolling in kindergarten in San Francisco involves a lottery where parents can choose 7 schools, a daunting process. And, with big changes afoot in the school system for this coming year, I thought it best to wait until we could get priority for our neighborhood schools (currently not the case here). Finally, if she has another year to play and have fun, what could be the harm in that? They grow up fast enough, and since she'll be an only child, this is a precious time that I'd like to enjoy for as long as possible...before homework and school fundraisers start to rear their ugly heads.

So, with all of this in the near future, we decided to keep her at her home-based daycare for another year at least, and deal with bigger decisions later. We're lucky to have found one of those great programs with a warm, earth-mother-type director, a great group of families, and a quirky, art and play-based curriculum. Beyond that, Mariah (her teacher) does a true pre-K for the older kids, involving lots of one-on-one with letters and numbers, and even some computer readiness. And then there are all the other perks--it's affordable, close to home, doesn't close for weeks at a time in the summer. And, another aspect that we value--it's a diverse group of kids, which isn't always the case at some of our neighborhood schools.

So, When September rolled around last year--right before she turned 4-- I had assumed Alice's same-age peers would also be staying on, and was surprised and a little saddened to find out that an exodus of 3 and 4-year-olds was taking place, as parents moved the kids into more "official" preschools. I'd been prepared for the two 5-year-old boys to go to kindergarten, but not the others. Suddenly, Alice was the oldest child in her program, after having been in the middle-age tier for a year. A new crop of toddlers started and it was a shock to see her playing among so many little kids when just a month before she'd had a rambunctious group of big kid friends. Overnight, the dynamic had totally changed, and at first, my husband and I panicked and wondered if we'd dropped the ball by not moving her. But, we loved her school and felt very close to the teachers, not to mention that its convenience to our house, extended hours, and two meals a day, made our lives easier--a benefit we weren't ready to give up. But, I felt my heart sink a little each time I picked her up and saw her teachers changing diapers instead of reading to the circle of big kids I was so used to. I missed seeing the parents, too, and the fact that three of the kids had gone to the same place made me feel left out (for both Alice and well, myself). I think I even lost some sleep over it.


The parents, many of whom we are still in touch with, had totally valid reasons for moving on--one found a free pre-k program near their house, another wanted her daughter to experience another environment (she'd been at the daycare since she was a few months old), and one was concerned that her son didn't have any boys to play with (valid--there are definitely more girls!). Another mom, when asked why she was taking her daughter down the street to another, similar program, seemed at a loss. She said she hadn't really thought about keeping her where she was, assuming she needed a more official pre-K.

I began to wonder what it was exactly that we parents of 4-year-olds (or nearly) were looking for, and why. I hadn't had any preschool (and neither did anyone in my town). We simply started kindergarten, prepared or not. Of course, things have changed in the last 30 or so years. My mother didn't work, and we lived in a small town with limited options. The entire school process was simple--there was one elementary school, one junior high, one high school. My mom hadn't agonized over any of this, and yet all four of my siblings and I graduated from college and are all doing just fine. Why was I feeling so insecure about the fact that we hadn't "upgraded" our daughter to the bigger, better thing even though she was still 3? Wasn't it enough that she was happy, stimulated, and cared for? It's pre-school, not Harvard, I told myself--what was my problem?

So, I pulled the director aside and explained some of my concerns. I was fine keeping Alice where she was for the coming year, but felt pressured to find another place for her for the next year--the year she would be five and ready for more challenges that I felt she'd get at her current program. Mariah clearly had a lot of opinions on the topic and seemed frustrated that she had lost the older kids to center-based schools, and claims it is mostly an outcome of the "California First Five" inititiative, which she says stresses center-based care for older kids over home-based. Mariah is a passionate advocate of childcare and very knowledgable, having taught in centers and run her own daycare for 30 years. She told me that if I kept Alice with her she promised to have her ready for kindergarten and stressed that her program was comparable to any more "fancy" place we might tour, and that the lower teacher-student ratio was better for that age group. I don't doubt her at all. But, I still needed to see what else was out there, to find out what all the fuss was about. I went to tour the place all Alice's friends had defected to. It was nice, really nice, but there were 17 kids there. That seemed like a lot. Plus, it wasn't as convenient to our house, and closed for more holidays. Some of my friends admitted they missed Mariah, and that the kids didn't do as much art at the new place. Of course, there are other benefits--it's a great little school, and if Alice ended up there, I'm sure she'd love it. But was it necessary to pay more for a less convenient place?

So, after much thought, several tours of center-based and home-based pre-K programs, we've made the rather radical decision to keep Alice right where she is, even though she will be 5 for most of her last year and the oldest kid for two years straight. Some other parents seem surprised when I tell them, and they make comments like "Well, as long as she's not bored," or "She does seem to do well here, even though she's 4." Though I can understand that line of thinking, I also wonder what exactly is supposed to occupy a 4-year-old's day? She makes art, bakes, goes on field trips, does music...she's far from bored. In fact, in the last few months, she's blossomed, and can now write her name, and knows all her letters. A year ago, the teachers were a bit concerned she wasn't quite where she should be, and her attention span was short--something we still work on, but it's getting better. She's a funny, silly, engaged kid, and considers school her "other home." Plus, things settled in after her old friends left and she has a new set of friends, one of whom is also 4 and on par with Alice as far as reading and numbers. The babies are all now walking and Alice loves interacting with them, and I enjoy watching them toddle after her, trying to be like the big girls. She's kind of embraced her role as the oldest girl, and clearly relishes the "power" associated with that. She's a bit bossy by nature and has designated herself as the teacher's helper, which is pretty cute. Plus, I have made a sort of unofficial pact with several other parents that they'll keep their 3 and 4-year-olds there as well, so this newly formed group of "big girls" can grow together in their last year before kindergarten. But, what sealed the deal was a touching letter from the director to the parents basically asking them to consider her as a pre-k and not just a daycare. She's an educated, deeply passionate teacher, and her strong suit is reading and writing, and I know it's rare for kids that age to get actual one-on-one.


So, we are able to put off our search for a kindergarten for a bit longer and also our quest for the "perfect" preschool. We're all pretty happy right where we are.