Tired of Trying to be a "Perfect" Mom? Find freedom with 7 Questions

How did motherhood become a quest for perfection? Why are moms so hard on themselves? After years of trying to be a "perfect" mother, I found peace in relaxing my expectations, allowing myself to be, simply, a good mother. This switch changed the tenor of my home, improved my relationships with my children, and gave me back my health.

If you're tired of driving yourself to be a perfect mom and want to enjoy motherhood again, I offer 7 questions that helped me hang up my superwoman cape. Live the questions and see what unfolds. Or, try journaling your answers, and see what insights arise:

1. How much of the pressure to be supermom comes from you? Much of the pressure I felt to be "the mom who could do it all" came from me - and not from anyone else. No one cared if my house was neat and tidy, if my children ate organic, or if I could fit into my skinny jeans. I cared about these things - I was the one who pushed myself so hard, who imagined competition among other moms, who was trying to outdo everyone else. Ouch. This was an ugly truth to face, but it brought me freedom, enabling me to chip away at my rigid expectations, releasing them for something gentler.

2. Why do moms feel that everything has to be perfect? When I think back to my own childhood, here's what stands out: the impromptu trips for ice cream. Playing frisbee in the backyard. Romping with my cousins. What will your children remember from their childhood? An underlying busyness? Your exhaustion and unhappiness? Or will they remember simple moments, those spontaneous acts that create family togetherness? Instead of always having to do things at 100%, give yourself permission to mix it up - maybe you give your all for a special 16th birthday celebration, but keep the other years simple. Or if you love to cook, whip up fancy dinners while letting the housekeeping get by at 70%. Your children won't notice, and you'll be happier for it.

3. Do you mother from your strengths? The problem with trying to be a "perfect mom" is that it suggests that there is only one way to mother. When we don't meet this standard, we believe our mothering is sub-par - something that easily translates into us being sub-par. Holding to such strict expectations, we miss out on the many ways and varieties we can be a good mom. Instead of trying to conform yourself to this perfect mother mold, mother from your strengths. Wrap motherhood around you, with all your quirks and attributes. Do things with your children that bring you joy, instead of doing activities you hate, just because you think a "good" mother does them. What our children really want most is ahappy mom. That is the greatest gift we can give our children.

4. How do your children see you? We are our own worst critics. When we focus on our faults, a natural byproduct of perfectionism, we miss all the good that we bring to our children's lives, our proud parenting moments. Instead of viewing your mothering from your own perspective, look at yourself through your children's eyes. What do they love about you? Why are they glad you're their mom? Listen to their feedback, and let it soothe your inner critic. Let your children hold a higher vision for you when you're not able to see your greatness.

5. Is your desire to be a "perfect mom" about meeting your children's needs, or your own? My desire to be the perfect mom had more to do with me and my issues than my children's needs. I had a huge a-ha moment when I realized that the supermom that lived in my head, who told me I "should" be doing this and that, wasn't the mom that my children needed. Rather, she was the mom that I needed, the mom that I wanted for myself. Separating the two gave me two things: it enabled me to mother and nurture myself so that I fulfilled those unmet needs that I still carried from childhood. And it gave me permission to drop the perfect mother idol that caused me stress, exhaustion and unhappiness. I was able to recognize how many of my to-dos weren't necessary to be a good mom to my children, and easily, willingly, let them go.

6. Do you accept that you will hurt your children? All parents are imperfect. And even though we do the best we can, because we are imperfect, we will hurt our children. This hurts - who wants to acknowledge that, despite our best intentions, our children won't escape childhood unscathed? But when we embrace it, we embrace it's equal, opposing truth: that these lessons can help our children grow and blossom.

I'm not saying that we shouldn't work on ourselves in order to be better parents. But even if we put ourselves through a constant self-improvement program there will always be something left to fix. When we surrender to this reality instead of fighting it, we can embrace both our strengths and our weaknesses as opportunities for growth - for ourselves as well as our children.

7. What do you need to let go of? This was the question that transformed my parenting journey. After hitting rock bottom, I reached a personal point of surrender, where I willingly surrendered my way of knowing - what I believed was the right way to do things. Instead of trying to control life itself, I embraced the idea that my children are resilient; that they can make wise choices if I give them the opportunities to do so; that life won't fall apart if I let go of the reins. Parenting is a spiritual journey because it is a leap of absolute faith: when painful things happen to our children, we abide in hope that something positive will come from their challenges. We choose optimism: believing that our children will grow through their challenges, making them stronger, giving them the lessons they need to learn.

Above all, what I learned is that I will always be learning. Those lessons that I thought I could cross off my list? They come back around again. And this, again, is as it should be. For what greater purpose do we have, then to learn, grow, and love - something that is true both in parenting, and in life.

Firstourselves.com is dedicated to transforming women's lives through the power of self-care. To read more, go to firstourselves.com, where you can sign up for our free monthly newsletters on self-care, loving your body, and kicking a sugar habit and download our free ebooks.

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