Why Water Parks Are Good for Your Ego
Living in Florida has taught me that if you want to feel really crappy about yourself and guilt yourself into a starvation diet, you should simply go to South Beach.
Yep, the beaches here are filled with hot, svelte, uber-tan, scantily clad, could-be models who do things you would normally see in cheesy 80s spring break movies or the making of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, like whip their hair out of the water in a single choreographed move in slow motion.
For this reason, I always have a cover-up no more than an arm's distance away as I sit under an umbrella and wonder, "When did I stop being that young, hot, frolicy, slow-motion girl? Wait, was I ever her? Shoot, I don't know if I was ever her, and now I'll never be her again or for the first time..."
This is why I rarely go to the beach. Buuuuuut, I've also learned that to combat this feeling, one does not need to spend Spring break in an Alaska-esque climate where she can bundle up and hide under a trendy puffer jacket.
MORE HUMOR FROM JENNY AT THE SUBURBAN JUNGLE: 6 Moms You Never Wanna Get Stuck With
Nope, one simply needs to take herself and her beach attire to a water park. Though water parks and beaches seem similar on the surface, they're at their core polar opposites, like Walmart and Target.
Frankly, any park will do because here is a water park truth: No matter how much cellulite, varicose veins, stretch marks, regrettable tattoos or unsightly moles you have, there is someone within a 10-foot radius of you who has more... and she is wearing a bikini.
...a string bikini.
...a string bikini that would fit a 10-year-old.
Yep, at a water park your boobs look perky and your thighs, which usually feel like they're abnormally friendly with one another, feel like they sit miles apart.
This revelation hits me whenever I go to a water park, and it literally makes me giddy. I begin to murmur stuff like, "Oh, I look goooooood." "It's amazing that more people don't mistake me for the babysitter." "I feel like I could walk around with nothing on but this locker key."
Then I throw back a couple dogs and a Fanta with the kids and never even pull my wrap from the undersized locker I smushed it in.
Sure, the salty nitrates in those dogs will fill with that carbonated orange syrup, but you've got some room to bloat here, ladies.
As for my tramp stamp? I think, "Wow, that was a really good decision. In fact, that puppy could use a redo, something with more girth, more of a message, more of a story. I mean, there are guys, with skulls tattooed on their skulls and women with complete murals on their backs."
By comparison, my tat is more like something Cindy Crawford has on her face, which begs the question: Why has she never arted that thing up? I mean, a ladybug, maybe a peace sign? Being at a water park makes me feel like that's a really good idea. I also feel like a supermodel, so my judgment could be skewed.
MORE HUMOR FROM JENNY AT THE SUBURBAN JUNGLE: I May Be Going Steady With the Pool Boy
Maybe I get a bit drunk off of the fumes from people spraying old-fashioned tan accelerator on their bodies (I think I've seen actual bottles of Sun-In), or maybe the over-chlorinated water gets to my head. It certainly gets to my over-processed hair.
Except at the park, my hair doesn't look over processed at all. G-d I love that place! Plus, your kids will think you're awesomely cool for taking them there. Win-win!
And that is why we should all vow to frequent water parks more often. So, the next time you feel like heading to the beach, turn that car around, and head for the nearest water slide. Maybe I'll see you there. I'll be the hottie with a tattoo that depicts the Mad Hatter's Tea Party across my back.
RELATED STORY: Do You Have "Theme Park Line Dementia?"
JOIN THE SARCASM ON FB
Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog is the humorist behind The Suburban Jungle.com. Twelve years ago she answered this ad: "Seeking highly motivated person, who requires little sleep, to cook, clean, wipe tushies, noses, and countertops… oh, and provide occasional sex. Person will be overworked and under-appreciated. Prior experience is frowned upon. Always on duty. Will pay nothing." I mean, she got married and started a family.
An on air lifestyle expert and mom of 2, her work has been published in numerous national magazines and websites. you can also check out her musings on Facebook and Twitter and Pinterest.
Images via/Giant Balloon Rental and Flickr/VincentBoiteau
