What I Gave Up to Be a Dad
By Gavin McInnes
, GQ
The most beautiful word in the English language may be "Daddy" and the first time you hear your kids say it, your heart explodes. You know what else explodes? Your life-it's blown to smithereens. Especially if you have the party-real-hard habits former Vice co-founder and current Street Boners blogger Gavin McInnes had. He's given up about a hundred things to be a father. Here's a few.
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No Ogling
Women complain about being invisible after 35 but they are not exactly drinking down gallons of old guys with their eyes. If you ogle women at dad age, you get a "You're kidding, right?" look from them and if you're with your kids the look becomes, "Die!"
No Female Friends
"Bye honey, I'm going camping with Lesley for a few days." Yeah right. Every female friend you had in your single days was either someone you wanted to get with or someone you wanted to help you get with someone else. Monogamy kills both of those so you're left talking to someone who hates sports, loves "Real Housewives," and has no interest in your lawn. See ya!
No Nudity
Being the patriarch means having to exercise discipline every waking moment and that includes the second you wake up.
No Snacking
Your house is now a restaurant where bald midget a------ constantly tell the chef her creations are "yucky." You need to be there to mediate this battle and you had better be hungry. If you haven't had lunch by 2PM, starve.
No Spontaneous Partying
I hope you're over grabbing a beer with your buddies because you have two hours to yourself a day and if your wife wants to spend that time catching up (kids don't let you talk during the day) that's it. You can only grab a beer if your wife randomly decides to go to bed early and that leaves you maybe an hour before your own bedtime. The only way your friends are going to meet you on such short notice is if you outfit their apartments with a Batphone and a fire pole.
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No Drugs
Getting very high right when you're about to pass out was a great way to double the life of the party. When you have to be up at 6 AM and argue with cereal eaters that kind of masochism is bordering on mental illness. In the end, the only drug you can safely do is known in the parenting community as "Dadderall."
No Devil's Music
I love me some death metal and Southern rap but the former scares the kids and the latter teaches them the n-word. In the car, you have to listen to kid's music and quietly wonder to yourself how anyone could possibly do that for a living. At home you'd like to blast the music but you have to be able to hear emergencies and the few times you're alone, you need silence.
No More TV
TV is kids' crack and they're not about to let a guy hit the pipe without sharing. TV is for those rare moments when your wife hits the hay early and your friends don't answer the Batphone.
No Bar Fights
Seeing a fight break out used to be a hilarious time to bust our your camera and start recording. When things got out of hand you'd jump in going, "All right guys, that's enough. Break it up."
Things are different now. You're precious cargo. Arrests, concussions, and even time away at the ER are totally unacceptable so if anything goes down, you had better put on a helmet and run out the back door.
You're needed at home in a big way and despite all the sacrifices, that's a pretty good feeling.
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Photo: Courtesy of Gavin McInnes
