Why aren't moms having sex?
I love it when people ask this question. I laugh every time Oprah stares at millions of mothers, most of whom are covered in indistinguishable white lumpy and green runny substances, through the television and asks what in hell happened to childbearing women's libido.
I roll my eyes every time a well-meaning but...well, you know now....friend without kids of her own knits her eyebrows with dire concern that a woman with a baby on the boob or hip or finally, finally asleep in the car seat can't remember the last time she had relations with her partner.
I've giggled with girlfriends about the ridiculousness of scheduling sex on Outlook, in some grand scheme to get hot and bothered in between carpools to soccer and gymnastics and a science fair project.
I may have even snorted once or twice while reading self-helpy types of books and posts and articles about scheduling date nights and "quality alone time" and wearing fancy panties even if you're still sporting maternity jeans years later really will get all the good stuff flowing again.
But now here I am, asking. Are there reasons other than the obvious that women with children are self-inflicting abstinence?
A survey of 700 mothers conducted by Babycenter reveals exactly what you'd think -- 77% of participants blamed tiredness for not wanting sex and 21% said they "felt fat/not sexy" (their category, not mine).
Those same mothers said that they actively avoided sex last year. More than half admitted to making excuses and 20% said they did so weekly.
Is being tired and feeling uncomfortable in your body an excuse or just the way life is as a mother, particularly in the early days? Who we are sexually changes when someone emerges from our wombs or arrives in our home or interrupts our circadian rhythms and alone time and work and identity. Maybe that's just the way it is, no excuses or avoidance needed.
That said, getting back to an active, happy sex life after having a child is indeed delicious. I know from experience. I embrace my naughty side now because I set aside for sleep and body image repairs for too long at one point. It didn't occur to me to make excuses then (or I was too groggy nursing a baby for it to enter my brain) and so I don't make excuses now. I am who I am at this moment in time as mother and as a lover. My sexuality ebbs and flows but I will certainly always be exhausted and have body acceptance to work on.
For those of us still not romping around between the sheets, are there reasons you're willing to share about why you're choosing not to have sex? Does the importance of sex change with the birth or arrival of children?
Does less sex satisfy you now? Or perhaps logistics of feeding and night shifts and other kids get in the way? Or is the "Real Housewives" franchise honestly more compelling than another go at reverse cowgirl?
No judgment, maybe even scratching the word "excuses" from the conversation altogether.
I ask you now, with my own experiences and understanding and in complete nosiness, what are the very real and maybe not-so-predictable reasons moms are opting out of sex?
More naughty bits:
