Why Do Some Kids Cope Better with Bullying?
By GalTime Parenting Expert Barbara Greenberg, PhD.
Bullying, the darkest aspect of social interactions, has been around for generations. Why, many would like to know do some of us have the good fortune of getting through these incidents relatively unscathed while others become depressed, sick, attempt suicide, and yes, die of bullying related suicide?
There is no implication here that being bullied is a cakewalk for anyone but it is clearly a trickier walk for some than others. Some stumble and get badly hurt on this walk. Others fall down, dust themselves off, and continue to move forward.
We must acknowledge and identify the protective factors that provide a cushion and buffer between bullying and its most negative consequences. For goodness sake-we owe this knowledge to our kids.
The most important protective factor between bullying and devastating reactions is clearly having social support. This social support includes familial and peer support. Having at least one family member and one friend helps kids deal with rejection and pain. Let's face it, all throughout life we deal with struggles more easily when we have at lest one supportive person to see us through. In fact, having one good friend is a protective factor against depression, illness, and all of life's difficulties. It is, after all, the human condition to find solace in the company of others. Peer and familial support should NEVER be under-rated.
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A study published in the journal Child Development in 2011 sheds even more light on some of the necessary protective factors. Kids who focus more on being viewed as popular don't fare as well in the disturbing face of bullying as those who focus instead on developing social skills and good friends regardless of the friends' social standing. Perhaps kids in the latter category select kinder friends who are less likely to throw them under the proverbial bus if their own social standing is at risk. Or, perhaps kids in this second category manage their emotions more effectively because they are less concerned about being viewed as either popular or a loser. Maybe they are less emotionally depleted and have more available energy to deal with a variety of social situations. Let's face it-chasing after the elusive "populars" can be exhausting. It's clearly a game with no clear social rules.
Kids who appear to deal better with teasing, bullying, and the other missteps of some of these dreadful social dances tend also to be better equipped to tap into humor and pro-social skills in tricky social situations. Anger is NOT their go-to emotion, I am, of course, aware that it is not always easy to use levity but I always return to one particular story that illustrates the importance of humor. I remember when a boy on the school bus told my daughter that her mother and yes that is me-that "her mother is so fat that she needs to use a TV for a cell phone." My girl asked him if he had ever seen her mother. The answer, of course, was no and she burst out laughing. The boy hadn't ever seen me but if he had he would have realized that this was not an area of vulnerability. This potential bully cowered, got quiet, and never bothered my sweetheart again.
I say let's teach our kids to engage in this social dance of bullying differently before their feet, hearts, and souls get trampled on.
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