Monkeys trained to scratch your itch

And I've got an itching for a monkey. Ever since photos of that monkey and its adopted kitten surfaced, all I can think about is how I want a monkey to adopt me. He could nuzzle my face, prepare me lunch, clean my apartment, bare his teeth when I did something clever, detangle the knots in my hair (sidenote: he's welcome to eat anything he finds in there) and scratch my back until I fell asleep. I know this sounds like a fantasy but some monkeys are equipped to do most of that.

Through Helping Hands, an organization established in 1979, monkeys are trained to offer human assistance to those with severe disabilities, including paralyzation, at no cost to the patient. This organization is genius, and only trumped by the monkeys it mentors in a two year helper training program.

"Monkeys learn how to help people with simple everyday activities such as opening and setting up a drink of water, picking up a dropped or out-of-reach object, or turning the pages of a book. Monkeys use their small, dexterous hands to do many kinds of specialized tasks."
Like facials. Holy crap.
Helping Hands monkey trainers have the best job in the world. (via Hands monkey trainers have the best job in the world. (via
Where is this college you ask? In Boston. Figures. That's what Harvard kids say when they're trying to be humble. That is so like a monkey to be all brilliant and humble.