Is Revenge a Bad Thing?
It may feel good to get back at someone who hurt you, but does it really help? Readers share their tales of how they got even with their exes.
- Kathryn H. Cusimano, BettyConfidential.com
When you've been wronged by an ex, it's only natural to want to get back at him. Yet revenge is a tricky topic. It may feel good to get back at someone who's hurt you, but things don't always go the way you think they will - and is it really the best way to move on and get over the fool who did you wrong? Still, there is something pretty satisfying about feeling as if you've settled the score, at least a little bit. Here, a few of our readers tell how they exacted their revenge.
When Tanerah was living in Santa Cruz, CA, and found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her, she took cues from her favorite television show. "I used to be addicted to Sex and the City," she says. "When I discovered that my then-boyfriend was cheating, and it turned out that I was actually - unknowingly - the 'other woman,' I took a lesson from Samantha and plastered signs all over town with his photo and the word 'cheater' above it." While Tanerah may have taken some satisfaction from that action, she admits that not everyone was so pleased. "The other woman blamed me for the situation instead of the guy who'd duped us both," she says.
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When it comes to getting even there's always a risk that things might not work out the way you'd planned - but if you have to go there, a little creativity can go a long way. Brettan, from San Diego, CA, actually found a way to get revenge on her ex while simultaneously deflecting unwanted male attention. "One of my favorite things to do to my ex is to give guys I meet his phone number and pretend it's mine. Then he has to hear about it every time a guy calls to ask me out." This worked fine for Brettan, but her ex got a little fed up. "At one point he finally broke down and emailed me to say that it made him feel bad. Well yeah, but it's about 1/100th of how bad he made me feel," she says.
Susan, from Boston, MA, has a revenge story made for the movies. She says things were going swimmingly with her "perfect" boyfriend - and then she got a series of text messages from a woman who said she'd been living with Susan's boyfriend for six weeks. What was Susan's response? "Not on my watch." Susan invited her guy over for champagne and kept her phone nearby. "I called the 'other woman' and said, 'Sit tight. You'll be getting a call from him within the hour.' Then he came in, full of tears and remorse." He told Susan he wanted stay with her, but he didn't notice that there was only one champagne glass on the table. "I let him know there was only one way that would happen and that was for him to call her in front of me, tell her he never loved her, that he used her and that I was the one he wanted to be with. Easy enough, right?" It seemed so - he grabbed the phone, called the other woman and said all the right things. Then Susan got on the line with the woman. As she explains, "The conversation went a bit like this, 'You heard from his mouth who he wants to be with, that you were second-best and that he doesn't want to be with you. So after I kick his pathetic ass out of my house in about 30 seconds and he comes crawling back to you, remember this conversation.' Then I opened the champagne, poured myself a glass and held it up in a toast to 'taking out the trash.' Who says women can't think clearly when emotions come into play?"
When it comes to revenge, keeping a clear head is important - it's never a good idea to let yourself get too carried away. It's also important to keep in mind that as much as we love a good get-even tale, all too often it ends up being a colossal waste of time and energy spent on someone who's just not worth it. In fact, according to Barbara Feld, LCSW, a therapist with Park Avenue Relationship Consultants in New York City, even though it might make you feel good, there are "very few positives" when it comes to seeking revenge. "It keeps you obsessed with your ex and doesn't help you let go and move on with your life," she says. "[Revenge] drives passion, and allows hate to really drive the whole system," adds Feld, pointing out that this negative energy can actually be damaging to you.
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So what does she suggest? Find a more positive way to channel your energy. Rather than allowing this ex to run your life, Feld says you should zero in on yourself. "Making a good life for yourself is the best revenge in a weird way." Besides, she says, "Who knows if he's even paying attention?"
David, from Madison, AL, says he tries to follow Feld's advice and leaves any vengeful acts up to karma. "I find it much safer and saner to just bide my time," he says. "When fate deals my object of vengeance a bad hand in life I just secretly take credit for it. This way, I get to feel satisfaction without doing something stupid."
No matter how much someone has hurt you and how badly you want to lash out, remember that acting on your vengeful fantasies could actually hold you back - and the last thing you want is to be tied to someone who made you feel this way. "The truth is that you just have to let go," says Feld. As she explains, your top priority should be moving on with your fabulous life - without that awful ex.
Tell us: How do you feel about revenge? Have you ever done something to get even with an ex?
Kathryn H. Cusimano is an assistant editor at BettyConfidential.
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