Surviving Monogamy: Tips From Your Gay Best Friend
Here's some sound advice from our Gay BFF on how to keep things super spicy in your relationship - even if you've been together for a long time.
- Brian Clark, BettyConfidential.com
Congratulations! You did the impossible. You met a guy who's into you and he fits all of your major criteria: his hands feel great on your shoulders, you love the smell of his hair even when he hasn't washed it, and you can borrow his clothes because you both wear the same size jeans. Wait, those are my criteria.
Anyway, the point is, you've had the big conversation and have both agreed you are blissfully monogamous. Hooray!
But, what do you do to make sure settling down doesn't mean settling into an emotional stupor?
Here's my advice…
Go Out, Be Flirtful, And Multiply
Normally, flirting is reserved for the earliest moments of a relationship: those butterfly-inducing looks across a crowded bar, clever innuendo at a mutual friend's game night, that first touch as you pretend to be interested in his wristwatch. But, once you become a pair, flirting loses its purpose and quickly goes the way of the payphone.
Don't let this happen! Flirting is the hard candy of relationships - it's quick, easy, and always yummy. So what if you know you're going home with him, just like you have every night for the last three years? You should still give him a lusty glance from afar while at a co-workers boring bar-b-que, or give his butt a glancing pat while in a crowded elevator. Better yet, text him a picture you wouldn't want posted on the internet (but give it a boring su
bject line like "What about these end tables?"). Keep the flirting up, be playful, and create little challenges and pranks for your guy - he'll stay interested for years and years.
Be All That You Can (Or Want Him To) Be
This is one of the greatest lessons I've ever learned in life: if you want something new in a relationship, embody it yourself and it will come back to you. This works especially well when it comes to sex, since sex is one of the first aspects of a monogamous relationship that can become boring. It's also the area we're least likely to admit we're no longer thrilled with. But, it happens. Part of the draw of sex is intrigue and danger, and that's just not going to be there once you've done it every Tuesday and Saturday for a year, even if you own a French maid's costume (if you don't, you can borrow mine).
Read 5 First-Time Sex Tips From Your Gay Best Friend
So, think about what you want in sex to liven it up, and instead of asking for it outright (which can feel awkward and make your partner feel inadequate), just do it yourself. If you want dirty talk, talk dirty. If you're into a stronger touch, grab him. Whatever you want, do it to him in a bold and clear way.
Believe me, it's hard not to respond to dirty talk when someone is saying really racy things in your ear. Your boldness will spark his response and turn him the *&$^$ on!
Then, if your guy still doesn't seem to catch on after you've made a few clear attempts, it may be time to talk about things in an upfront and playful way. But, why not try it the fun way first!
Friends Don't Let Friends Fall In Love Alone
In the movies, two very famous leads fall madly in love and satisfy each other's needs utterly and totally forever and ever in that "you complete me" way. Unfortunately, real-life love lasts longer than a line of movie credits, and if we're not careful, we can risk getting bored with even our most well-fitted lover.
Don't fret about this. It happens to every real-life couple, probably even to Nora Ephron and her husband (and let's face it, that woman can churn out some snappy dialog).
Read Are You Too Needy? A Quiz From Your Gay Best Friend
To avoid getting bored, diversify. When we couple up, we tend to forget about our friends and focus solely on our soul mate, but don't let this happen. It's not important that your partner doesn't share your love of astronomy, that's what your geeky scientist friend is for. And if your guy loves baseball and you don't, let him trot off to the game with his buds while you give tours of the planetarium. Having some interests apart will keep you both unique and interesting to each other. Relying solely on one another for every aspect of your life is a recipe for staleness and even resentment.
Instead of saying "you complete me," be more realistic and say, "you complete me in a lot of ways, but I am still an individual and I have interests that you don't share, and that's OK because it will make me more interesting come dinner time." Not sure that line would have worked as well for Renee Zellweger, but it will for you.
Welcome to Fantasies Island
Now that you're in a relationship with someone you trust, it's time to start taking even more risks. Don't get lazy! This is your chance to explore all those fantasies you have with someone you love and who will laugh the whole experience off if it ends up being ridiculous.
We often find a partner and immediately put the relationship on autopilot. Security and safety are wonderful parts of a monogamous relationship, but they're not exciting. That's why people don't date their 401K's. Boring!
Read 10 Eco-Friendly Date Ideas
Now is your chance to really spread your wings and try new stuff with your partner. Maybe you're feeling "porny" one night, or maybe you two need to have a little in-town vacation in an expensive hotel room. Find a secluded part of your local state park to really explore "nature," or take a vow of celibacy to see who can make the other break first. Whatever it is, whether sexual or just nude para-sailing lessons, keep growing and adding new elements to the relationship.
Doing this will not only keep your monogamous relationship as compelling as it was in week ten, but it will keep reassuring you and your partner that pairing for life was the way to go.
Tell us: what do you do to keep your relationship exciting?
Brian Clark is an actor/writer living in Los Angeles. He cares about people. But to keep it fresh he has also rescued an insane pitbull mix named Bombay.
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