When it Comes to Bad Boys, Are They the Problem or Are You?
Some people just can't seem to stay away from Bad Boys. But as our gay BFF points out, too often we're the ones who keep coming back for more.
- Brian Clark, BettyConfidential.com
I've got it bad for Bad Boys. Always have. Let's face it, they're hot (in movies, anyway). Their lives are exotic (not that you really know where they are most of the time). And when you're lucky enough to cling to them for dear life on the back of their motorcycle, you're never bored (so what if your adrenal glands start to prune after week one?).
But recently, I've begun to examine my side of my Bad-Boy attraction. Bad Boys are who they are and unfortunately, there's an endless supply of them. But why do I keep going after them? What are they giving me? What do I get out of these "relationships?"
After some serious self-reflection and about $800 in therapy sessions, (FYI, that's $800 worth of $20 co-pays - yep, a lot of sessions), I've unearthed some hard-to-face facts that I think are worth sharing.
Read Why Do Good Girls Fall For Bad Boys?
Early Trauma = Love of Drama
Like many of us, I grew up in a tumultuous household. I come from a large Irish family so someone was always getting divorced, getting loud or crashing a car into some trees. As a result, I grew up in an environment full of emotions and constant high stakes. It was kind of like a Vegas poker table, except that people were drunk more often and I never won anything. The result: My nervous system is "tuned" for danger and reads stability as boring.
So, if you're like me, dating anyone who can actually be considerate or kind or loving or giving or supportive just doesn't hold much interest. I don't trust someone's positive attributes because those behaviors feel foreign to me. Enter the Bad Boys. No trust there, but lots of familiar insanity. Of course, the trick here is to do your best to drop the childhood model of behavior faster than the two of clubs and welcome a jack of spades who calls when he says he will.
Fix It? Forget It.
I've never met a person who has perfect self-esteem. It's something we all struggle with. One way I feel better about me as a person is by helping others. This is a good instinct and it's also a by-product of my Catholic school upbringing, but when it gets out of balance it can backfire, big-time.
Bad Boys are the perfect recipients for my overdeveloped desire to help others. They always need money, a place for their skeevy "best friend" to crash or a car to visit their "grandmother" - who later turns out to be their drug dealer (true story).
If any of the above sounds familiar, it's time to set some boundaries. (Trust me, I've been there!) Decide when helping someone is sensible and when you're doing it to bolster your self-esteem, to feel superior to your Bad Boy or to avoid dealing with your own problems… like finding a ride downtown to pick up your car from the LAPD now that the "evidence" has been removed (same true story, unfortunately).
Keeping a Safe Distance
This one is the hardest for me to write about. I constantly say that I want to be in a long-term, monogamous, loving relationship. But then I date Bad Boys who will never be able to partner with me in a way that will allow that dream to come to fruition. Why do I keep doing this?
Read Waiting For Him to Call - Tips From Your Gay Best Friend
Well, turns out that long-term, monogamous, loving relationships require a lot of trust (really? You mean not all relationships have to be like my drama-filled childhood home?), and a lot of self-esteem (could I actually be lovable?). These are difficult fixes for any of us. But they are doable once you're aware of why and how you think… Well, at least that's what my therapist told me. And that's what I secretly hope. Maybe. OK, fine. You got me. I'm not sure, but it's worth a shot.
See, for me, the Bad Boys fit into this scenario because for all their danger, they are actually quite safe. They're emotionally distant, they're never going to want a long-term relationship and when the relationship ends, they're the ultimate scapegoat. I can blame them for everything!
It's my psyche's genius plan: If I keep dating Bad Boys, I get to maintain the façade that I'm trying find the perfect relationship without having to actually have one. I have distance. The trade-off is actual intimacy and love. Huge sigh….
What the *&^% Do I Do Now?
So, it turns out my article about Bad Boys isn't really about Bad Boys at all. It's about me: The real Bad Boy. The secret Bad Boy. The scared Bad Boy. I'm not saying anyone else's issues or history or psyche is just like mine. We're all unique. I've just found it incredibly helpful to figure out why I keep going after the same type of guy - and for some reason, I kinda think it might be helpful to more than a few of you, too.
Maybe with the Bad Boys out of my system, I can deal with the real danger…letting the right guy into my life. Now, that seems really scary.
Your turn. Are you really a Bad Girl?
Brian Clark is an actor/writer living in Los Angeles. He cares about people. But to keep it fresh he has also rescued an insane pitbull mix named Bombay.
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