10 Terrifying Truths About Blow-Dry Bars

Yes, you can get a $40 blowout wrong, unless you consider walking out day-drunk and looking like Lisa Vanderpump right.

By Anna Breslaw

1. The inside of blow-dry bars look like a saloon in Candyland, and this plus the high volume of people and running blow-dryers can be overwhelming.
Unless you are one of those super girly-girls who loves spending a good hour and a half inside Malibu Barbie's Dream House (more power to you!), the all-white, splashes-of-pink, consistent-Carly-Rae-Jepsen-blaring ambiance of the blow-dry bar might make your right eyelid start to twitch a little. Just keep breathing, and it helps if you listened to the Doors on the way there. Just to keep it balanced.

2. Even with an appointment, you'll wait longer than you'd like to.
You walk in, give them your name, which they've inevitably spelled wrong ("Beardslaw at 2:00?"), and sit on a couch by the window with four other women with messy Day 4 unwashed topknots who are all on their iPhones. Engage them in conversation while you're waiting. Maybe by discussing the kind of larval wildlife currently growing in all of your topknots.

3. It always turns out best when your blow-dry person has hair that's close to your natural texture. I hate to say this, since they're all excellent at their jobs, but every time I've had a Jewish and/or Italian curly-haired woman do my blowout, it has come out better than with any other demographic of person. Find your person, then stick with him/her. You don't want to risk dropping $40 on a bad blowout.

4. You do have the opportunity to get smashed, but remember that your judgment might be altered while you are in The Chair.
Often, they will offer you a tea, coffee, bellini, or wine. If you go with the bellini or the wine, and I can't promise you that once the YOLO Effect hits your bloodstream you'll stick to your original "a tiny bit of body, a little bit of wave, sleek, professional" plan. "I want THIS," you might slur, pointing out the "High Volume Sassy Tranny Wig Lisa Vanderpump Facsimile" option. Think about the difference between picking a going-out outfit while you're drunk versus while you're sober. Yeah. That.

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5. It's not like being at your regular hairdresser, in terms of intimacy level.
You know that 5-minute scalp massage your regular hair salon lady gives you that makes you immediately want to blurt out the details of your last sexual encounter or tell her all about the intricacies of your day? Yeah - this isn't like that. This is more like a fast-food joint: an impersonal business, where they're just trying to get you in and out as fast as possible. Not that you shouldn't make small talk with your blow-dry person, but don't expect insta-bonding.

6. Without direction, they tend to give every client the same style, which is Girlfriend Of a Boring Guy.
There's a reason that, often, women leave blow-dry bars all looking like variations of a Real Housewife. If you're not stern about what you want, blow-dry people assume you want the cookie-cutter straight-on-top, big-waves-on-the-bottom look. As someone with naturally very curly hair, I often want mine straighter than many people, since it'll curl up anyway after two seconds outside - but sometimes my stylists give me side-eye about wanting perfectly flat-ironed, pin-straight hair, and try to slip in some wave that I don't want. If you want something specific, be sure to keep them on task.

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7. Women with all kinds of hair go to blow-dry bars, and this might be completely unfathomable to you, but that doesn't matter.
As a very curly-haired person, it makes little sense to me personally that anyone with naturally straight hair would go to a blow-dry bar.

8. You can make the blowout last forever with dry shampoo and - for extra-greasy scalps - baby powder.
Hey, this stuff cost $40 plus tip.

9. They can change your personality and confidence level to a surprising degree.
Being a straight-haired girl for a day certainly changes me.

10. But don't get addicted to blowouts, because your natural hair is more unique and beautiful than any cookie-cutter style in a blow-dry menu can possibly be.
Ultimately, while sleek, perfect hair is looked upon as more "professional" for some idiotic reason (that's a whole other post), spending the majority of the 365 days in a year with your own natural hair texture will make you sparkle more than all the mainstream hairstyle clones.

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