Bradley Cooper's Haagen-Dazs Commercial: How to Explain its Awfulness

If you watched Bradley Cooper's new Haagen-Dazs commercial and thought, "What the $#% just happened?" you're in good company. The internet is aflutter with questions about why People's Sexiest Man Alive is eating a tub of ice cream like a Cathy cartoon at a black tie event, why he fell for the old locked-in-a-room-with-only-a-spoon trick (huh?), and why on earth the Oscar-nominated actor thought making this commercial would be a good idea for his career. Some people have attempted to explain the not-so-subliminal imagery. Here are some theories—both from around the web and inside our heads—about what's really going on in the 30-second spot:

It's intentionally bad and we just don't get the joke.

It's actually really emotionally complex—like "Sophie's Choice" but with Bradley Cooper and ice cream.

It's about butts, and people are into that.

It was made 10 years ago and was only supposed to air internationally (or not).

It's the long-awaited sequel to the DiSaronno commercial (really, they are the exact same ad).

Any other theories?