East Coast-West Coast food wars
East Coasters are snobby traditionalists. West Coasters are lazy hippies. Negative stereotypes about the inhabitants of ocean-bordering states are slung from coast to coast in bars, dinner parties, and rap songs. These geographic biases are stretched to cover the art, colleges, events, and food of each coast. Here I settle the score on a few East Coast-West Coast food rivalries. Disclosure agreement: I am working with a Los Angeles-born bias, so I'll need your comments to balance the scales.
East Coast: TWIZZLERS vs. West Coast: RED VINES
Twizzlers have a hard-to-locate cherry flavor and an industrial plastic consistency, not unlike Barbie's leg. Red Vines have a more satisfying, complex strawberry flavor, as well as a kinder texture. The West receives equal exposure to Red Vines and Twizzlers; the East Coast is mostly Twizzlers country. The deep rut of habit is the only explanation for why any East-Coaster would reach for Twizzlers first.
My pick: Red Vines
East Coast: H&H BAGELSvs.West Coast: NOAH'S BAGELS
A Noah's bagel cannot hide its airy tastelessness inside its enormous circumference. If you've ever had one of H&H's perfectly doughy, slightly sweet, and wonderfully crisp New York bagels, there's no way to go back to Noah's -- unless you're in California, and desperate for an excuse to get cream cheese into your mouth. I occasionally make this concession. It's livable as long as I don't expect one of Noah's "circle buns" to taste anything like a bagel.
My pick: H&H Bagels
East Coast: DUNKIN' DONUTS COFFEE vs. West Coast: COFFEE BEAN & TEA LEAF COFFEE
Even the so-so coffee at Coffee Bean blows Dunkin Donuts' coffee out of the Atlantic. My first sip of Dunkin's coffee was at the enthusiastic suggestion of my East Coast friends. The brew inside the styrofoam tasted metallic and rancid. I asked the cashier if she'd be able to make a new pot. She was nice enough to comply. That's how I found out that the metallic, old, and bland taste was what my friends liked so much about it. For years, New York has chosen efficiency over taste for their coffee, so, New York, you lose.
My pick: Coffee Bean
East Coast: CHICKEN PARM SANDWICH vs. West Coast: VEGGIE BURGER
The veggie burger is more than a food, it's a social tool that enables non-meat-eaters to eat alongside the rest of the eating world. The now-ubiquitous veggie burger is more than a good meal, it's a life line. That's why it's hard for me to say what comes next.
Before I went to school in the East where everyone did it all the time, I'd never witnessed someone order a "chicken parm." I'd seen them on menus but no West-Coaster had ever ordered one as far as I could attest. Then I had one -- saucy, cheesy, satisfying as heck. I'd order one of these on any coast any time.
My pick: Chicken Parm
East Coast: GRAY'S PAPAYA vs. West Coast: PINK'S
Both are grilled and both snap as they're introduced to your incisors, but Pink's has got a sturdier dog with a better bun and better fixin's. And yes, a bigger price and a way longer line, no matter what hour your craving hits.
My pick: Pink's
East Coast: "HOAGIE" vs. West Coast: "SUB"
When Cliff Huxtable eats it, it's a "hoagie." If he had to visit the West Coast, he'd be forced to order a "sub." It's purely semantic, like "pop" and "soda." A hoagie and a sub are both enormous sandwiches that no human should finish alone. What you call it does not change the way it tastes. If you ask my ear, it thinks "hoagie" sounds a little bit grotesque, but it's also the more interesting term. Hmmm...
My pick: Tie
How would you vote on the rivalries above? Share your opinion and any other coastal food wars that come to mind.
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