User post: Bad mommy chocolate pizza

I've been thinking a lot about the weightiness of motherhood given the combustible reactions received recently by two controversial mommies. As if most mothers didn't already question their competence on a daily basis leave it to Amy Chua's Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother and Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP Newsletter to make them feel even worse. Between the Superior Asian mother's anti-fun screed and GP's out-of-touch collection of helpful hints gathered from the daily lives of her over-privileged and tone-deaf mommy gal-pals, I have never been more grateful that I am only an aunt.

Now, if any of these women had given the credit to their household help that is undeniably due, I think the accusations of elitism would have been tempered. Unfortunately, that was not the case.

Obviously, being a mother is really hard. Most women I know, whether they can afford help or not, just struggle to do the best they can and wishing they had more to give. Do they really need (in the disingenuous name of being "helpful") other know-it-alls to remind them just how much they are failing, how much more they should be doing? No.

So in the spirit of fun, I babysat for my nieces last week. Who else but an aunt would think it is totally fine to 1) make a chocolate pizza and 2) to make it at 5pm when she's supposed to serve supper to her charges at 6pm? No one.

It was post-pizza and pre-dinner when I truly appreciated the juggling my sister does, sans paid help. Niece 1 wanted to take her bath while Niece 2, who skipped the terrible two's only to embrace the terrible three's, refused not only to bathe but also to put on her pajamas. After my pleas provoked a primal scream I parked her in front of the TV, because I believe in rewarding bad behavior. I also wanted to save my ear drums. Then there was yelling from Niece 1, still upstairs swimming in her tub. "I'm lonely," she said with a face only a monster could resist, so I sat with her while she demonstrated her underwater breath holding.

I nuked the leftovers they were supposed to eat and served them in front of the TV which earned me the second, "you are the best aunt!" of the night. (The first was when I let them eat one pack of the M&M's that were supposed to go on the pizza). I'm also their only aunt. After cleaning up in the kitchen I returned to the TV room where neither had touched a bite of her pasta. "I don't like this," Niece 1 sneered, "there are hard pieces." She caught me. I had totally scorched the wagon wheels and thought if I hid the crunchy bits she wouldn't notice. Niece 2 ate two bites of her pasta and then begged for milk. I saw my opening: with a little bribery, milk for pajamas, everything seemed calm and good. Niece 1 was still on the couch watching something or other (see how well-supervised she was?) while Niece 2 and I "doctored" her chronically ill Ugly Doll upstairs.

Because the girls have a tendency to hide cordless phones I had to run downstairs when the phone rang. My sister would be home in three minutes. As I hung up Niece 2 yelled from upstairs. I sprinted to find her standing in her doorway having had an accident which in turn caused me to scream. I put her on the potty, way too late, ran back downstairs where Niece 1, the expert on really everything, met me in the kitchen to boss, I mean instruct, me on accident-cleaning protocol. And so, with paper towels and cleanser strewn in the hallway, a running bathtub and a soaking wet youngest daughter, my sister and brother-in-law walked in the house mid-mayhem.

The lesson is that there is no way a mother can control the uncontrollable. It doesn't matter how many times you type on your P-Touch label maker, buy birthday presents six months in advance or make your kid play the violin. Accidents are going to happen and you might as well try to have some fun. Sure, the Tiger Mother and GP might think you a bad mommy (and would probably disapprove of this pizza in any form), but it is great to make with kids and you can be as experimental as you like. You can swap out the Nutella for jam or peanut butter, use dried fruit, your favorite candy etc. Your kids won't eat dinner but you'll be "the best mommy," at least for one day.

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Bad Mommy Chocolate Pizza
Adapted from Giada's Family Dinners, Giada De Laurentiis, 2006
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Ingredients
1 pound store-bought or homemade pizza dough
2 teaspoons butter, melted
1/4 cup Nutella
1/2 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1 pack (1.69 ounce) M&M's
1/2 cup crushed pretzels
1/3 cup mini-marshmallows

Directions
Position the oven rack on the bottom of the oven and preheat to 450 degrees F.
Line a heavy large baking sheet with parchment paper. Roll out the dough to a 9-inch-diameter round. Transfer the dough to the prepared baking sheet. Using your fingers, make indentations all over the dough. Brush the dough with butter, then bake until the crust is crisp and pale golden brown, about 20 minutes.

Immediately spread the Nutella over the pizza then top with the chocolate chips, M&M's, pretzels and marshmallows. Bake just until the chocolate begins to melt, about 1 minute.
Slice and serve.

Yield: 8 wedges