The Perfect Mother Moment

Johanna learns how pregnancy can help a person become her higher, better self. (Or, in Johanna's case, her lower, dopier one.)

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"The second trimester has been kind to me," she begins, "and I am feeling all of the things the books say I should feel: feminine, serene, and in a state of emotional ecstasy. I spend most of my waking moments picturing my future perfect motherhood with my future perfect baby, and when I do, it's in soft-focus, with dappled sunlight and hippie wind chimes. I'm so happy I could puke a friggin' rainbow."

Related: Mom humor: 5 funny books on pregnancy and parenting

Johanna continues, "I'm at a picnic table with some friends when a woman in a bikini walks over and asks if she can borrow a bottle opener. She is quite fit--except for her very exposed tummy, which is taut yet full; there's no mistaking it, this is a belly full of arms and legs. Sizing up the bulge, I pin her at maybe five months along. I touch her hand and lean in to ask, 'So, how far along are you?' She blinks, then says, 'I'm not pregnant.'"

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