Back off Hollywood! Get your greedy mitts off our '80s TV

That's right huddle up and build a human wall so Hollywood can't take you away! That's right huddle up and build a human wall so Hollywood can't take you away!

Remember "21 Jump Street"? Keep that memory alive, friends. It's about to get butchered in the remake grinder. Channing Tatum will follow in Johnny Depp's untouchable footsteps as an undercover cop at a high school, while Jonah Hill will play a poor man's Peter DeLuise (technically making him a poor man's poor man's Craig Schaffer). Hill describes the new script, which he wrote, as an "R-rated, insane, Bad Boys-meets-John Hughes-type movie". Dear lord, is there no mercy?

Hollywood is pilfering from the past and the in process, destroying the memory of campy TV series we hold dear. Now when kids look back on "Miami Vice," they think of it as Colin Farrell's unwise career choice. And "Dukes of Hazard"? It's that Jessica Simpson movie she did with the "Jackass" guy. Tack on "Fame," "The A-Team," "Charlie's Angels, even "Dear John" (okay not really, but that title belongs to one man only and thy name is Judd Hirsch.)

Despite the litany of critical flops, however, box office numbers rule supreme. And according to industry vets, a retro remake has the ability to reach across demographics and pull in big numbers. They get the 30-somethings hunting for nostalgia and the younger generation on the prowl for action, bro-mance or Channing Tatum shirtless. But there's a reason those two demographics don't always overlap. It can make for a really bad movie. Big-budget special effects and contemporary stars being ironic about something they weren't born in time to enjoy, just ends up missing the mark for everyone. That's not to say vintage shows from our past should be left for dead, there's a wonderful place for them on DVD, YouTube or that new cable channel The Hub. Those 21st century forums keep the original design in tact.

We've already witnessed the greatest '70s TV mutilated by the school of Michael Bay. Now they're coming for the '80s. Here's a working list of shows producers shouldn't even look at sideways if they know what's good for them:

"Family Ties"
"Quantum Leap" (Wouldn't you just love to sink your teeth into this one Hollywood. Scram!)
"Double Trouble"
"Kate and Allie" (If you must, go ahead and take Perfect Strangers.)
"The Cosby Show" (that goes for "A Different World" too)
"Growing Pains"
"The Gary Shandling Show" (unless you're Gary Shandling)
"The Scarecrow and Mrs. King"

And by no means...
"The Wonder Years"


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