Charlie Sheen's world of warlocks, explained

Over the past seven days, Charlie Sheen has entered a new dimension. While the rest of us were eating and sleeping, the "Two and a Half Men" star was purchasing an $8 million dollar mansion, flying to the Bahamas with his ex-wife and two new girlfriends, taking a yacht out into the middle of the ocean while watching "Jaws", starting a verbal war with his boss, losing his job and the jobs of countless cast and crew on CBS's number one sitcom (at least for the rest of the season), threatening to sue the Hollywood Reporter for $100 million, ruining his chances at getting another job and preparing to head back to work even though work no longer exists. Sheen's wheels appear to have come off.

In speaking to radio host Alex Jones and again in a letter to TMZ, Sheen mixes images of war, weapons and wizardry to explain his battle with both addiction and show creator Chuck Lorre. In piecing together his rant on the radio and in print, Charlie's new way of looking at life resembles a game of Dungeons and Dragons. Here is a glossary of terms he uses in multiple rants against Lorre over the past few days, what they mean, and how they might all fit together.


Vatican assassins: a gang of warriors who win by embarrassing people. Members include San Francisco Giant's Brian Wilson, Radio Host Alex Jones, and Charlie Sheen

High-Priest Warlock: Charlie Sheen, leader of the Vatican Assassins, gifted with the ability to turn "a tin can into solid gold."

Warlock's coda: "Love with violence and hate with violence."

Trolls: enemies of the Vatican Assassins

The Earthworm: Chuck Lorre, leader of the trolls, writer of the "tin can"

The Info War: the battle between Trolls and Vatican Assassins

The Goddesses: two courtesans who provide pleasure for the High-Priest Warlock

Homuncules Losers: former goddesses who turned against the High-Priest warlock

Frickin' Bayonets: used to fight evil trolls who roam the earth

Winning: the game at which the High-Priest Warlock is a master

Fire-breathing fists: another weapon bestowed on the warlock to fight trolls

The Octagon: the Info War's final battleground, where the Warlock and the Earthworm shall have their last showdown

The Odyssey: "the mystical thing" that "refuses to stop calling itself Charlie Sheen", also known as, Charlie Sheen

F-18: Charlie Sheen ["I am an F-18"]

Gnarlyisms: excellent things like Charlie Sheen's new tattoo of an apple falling from "The Giving Tree".

Gnarly gnarlingtons: See Gnarlyisms

Secret silent soldiers: warrior fans of the Warlock, who are "fueled by violence and hatred" (which are both good attributes)

Bootleg cult: Alcoholics Anonymous

Sissies: a sub-sect of trolls who follow the bootleg cult and make their home under bridges.

4th dimensional aspect: the point at which the real world and the movie "Jaws" eclipse. The only way to reach this dimension is to take a yacht to the middle of the ocean while watching the movie. "Everyone should try to do that tonight," Sheen tells radio host and "fellow warrior" Alex Jones.


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