Dear Hollywood: Can we trade in Charlie for Emilio?

Hey obscurity, you take the guy in yellow, we'll keep the one in blue. (CBS)Hey obscurity, you take the guy in yellow, we'll keep the one in blue. (CBS)
There must be some mistake. Out of the brothers Sheen, how did Charlie come out on top? He's just been named one of TV's highest earners, raking in over a $1 million per episode for his show "Two and Half Men". I don't need to go over the whole, jail, rehab, court stuff right?
The point is, what about Emilio? The good kid, the one who graduated high school, settled down and tried to persuade his brother to do the same? Well according to wikipedia, he guest-starred on "Two and a Half Men" in 2008.
Emilio was always the better actor, the cuter one (I thought), the more brooding, the self-starter, you see where I am going. I just don't get it. It doesn't mathematically add up. Just afix your monocle, and examine the stats.

# Of Brat Pack Movies Charlie 1- Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Emilio 2-St. Elmo's Fire, Breakfast Club
# Marriages Charlie- 3 Emilio- 2
# Of Arrests Charlie- I don't know a lot? Emilio- Please. He was in The Mighty Ducks.
# Of Writing/ Directing projects Charlie- 0 Emilio- 17 # Of rehab stints Charlie- at least 2 Emilio - does that include a health spa?
# Of accusations of assault from former or current partners Charlie- at least 3 Emilio- 0
# of times linked to a hollywood madams Charlie - 1 Emilio- 0
# of times a relationship ended because gun went off and shot partner Charlie- 1 Emilio- 0 because that doesn't happen to people
# of celebrity relationships Charlie- Kelly Preston, Denise Richards Emilio- Demi freaking Moore. Paula "American Idol" Abdul.
# of kids clothing companies that misspells the word "kidz" Charlie 1 Emilio 0
I'm sure I'm forgetting some crucial stats but I trust they'd stack up in Emilio's favor. Sure he made Stakeout and then Stakeout 2 while Charlie was doing Platoon and Wall Street. But that's ancient history. Plus, dare I say it, he's aging better.
Do you really think Two and a Half Men fans would notice if we just slid Emilio in Charlie's place? Aren't most people nodding in and out of consciousness while watching it anyway? I mean even the theme song is snoozy. And who are these fans anyway that are so pleased with the chemistry of Sheen and John Cryer they've demanded both key players stay with the show at any cost? Is anyone protesting outside of CBS with No Sheen, No Show signs? I've never met a single Two and a Half Men fan. Not to mention a single Charlie Sheen fan. Granted I keep my circle tight. But it also seems a little suspicious to me.
(Emilio, I'm going to keep stalling them, now you just sneak in the studio lot like you're just poking around to find your brother...)
Anyhoo. Have you guys seen the "Cold Case" episode Emilio directed? Yeah. That s--- got solved.