Laugh Out Loud Things to Help You Survive This Sunday (and Torment Football Fans)

The "Big Game" is Sunday. If you'd rather stick spikes through your feet than spike a football, you're not alone. We asked our gal pals Laurie Lawson and elizabeth cassidy from Coaches on the Edge for some tips on how to survive the Super Bowl if you're NOT a football fan.

Laurie: Far be it from me to disparage a traditional day that encourages the non-stop consumption of chips & dips, buffalo wings, and massive amounts of alcohol, but what the heck are you supposed to do on Super Bowl Sunday if you are not a football fan? Well, it probably won't come as a surprise that the Coaches on the Edge have a few tips to get you through this testosterone-drenched day.

Laurie: Tip # 1- Immediately begin suggesting that you and your male significant other take in a play on Sunday. When that is denied, comment loudly that family visits are long over due. After that has been vehemently vetoed, you can mention the times of services at a church near you. Now you are ready. In your best hurt-feelings voice offer to spend the day alone at the spa having your hair done, your nails polished, and your wounded feelings massaged. You'll look marvelous, and you will miss all the fights over that oblong ball with the laces.

elizabeth: Tip # 2 - I have been known to feign a non-contagious mysterious "no-name" illness the night before the big game. On the day of the Stupid Bowl (I made it up all by myself) I overhear whispers of sympathy from the other side of our bedroom door. They don't want to wake the trooper who cleaned the house. For me, the reason goes beyond cleanliness - don't want to risk being the gossip during half-time. You know how men can be after a few beers when they discover streaks on the TV screen. And all the while I am being plied with heaping plates full of the best fried food this side of the Colorado Rockies - you could go east or west on this one. Since the illness is mysterious, the fever will only break with the help of guacamole and a few Dos Equis. And fashion magazines and my secret stash of Mallomars.

Laurie: Tip # 3 - Only one television in the house? Perfect time to get another one. Threaten to join the guys for the game and the odds go up in your favor. Whine about the show you've been waiting for on Lifetime finally airing for one time only on Sunday and a new TV is almost a given. You already have three televisions, you say? I smell a bigger-screen television coming your way!

elizabeth: Tip # 4 - If you are not the only one wearing a bra at the beginning of the game, invite these brave women into the bathroom and stay there through every commercial including the half time festivities. Use any excuse as to why you can't leave the only working bathroom. The word "cramps" at the end of any sentence can send men into the innersprings of the favorite Barcalounger. These football fans will have to go out into the frigid weather and explain the theory behind shrinkage to each other.

Laurie: Tip # 5 - When in doubt (or bored out of your mind), go shopping. You can get your own game going. Keep track of the score while you shop. There will be plenty of opportunities to get an update of The Big Game activities no matter where you are. Pick a side (team) and every time they score a touchdown, buy yourself seven items. Who says you don't have spirit?

elizabeth: Tip # 6 - Pretend to be Janet Jackson and have a clothing malfunction. Okay, you might want to reconsider this. I would only advise that the bravest, strongest among us try this at home. But hey, if they are going to go out and celebrate their team's victory by mooning your mother, I think you are within your rights.

Laurie: Tip # 7 - If for some reason none of these tips work and you get stuck in the house fetching beers and listening to the game, do not despair. There are still ways to amuse yourself. (a) See how many times you can walk by the television screen during one quarter. Pick a goal number, and if you exceed it, reward yourself handsomely. (b) Hide hors d'ouevres. Put them out, and then when everyone is distracted by a big play, take them away. (c) Vacuum the rug during the game. When everyone starts to scream, pretend you can't hear them because of the vacuum. Super Bowl Sunday - there's enough fun for everybody!

elizabeth: Tip # 8 - One way to get your way on Stupid Bowl Sunday is to confuse the crowd with the wrong sports terminology.

Touchdown (assuming you know what that is) yell "Fore."

"When does David Beckman come out to play?"

"Strike T-h-r-e-e! Throw the bum out!"

"What do they do with the Davis Cup?"

"His backhand seemed in motion to me".

"That was a flagrant foul!"

Do these at the most inappropriate moments of the game and be the envy of any lap dancer when you see twenties and fifties start flying in your direction.


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