aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Give thanks for all the confidence you have, all the knowledge you possess, all the smooth moves you can throw down like butter, because they're going to make you more appealing than a pool-sized vat of creamy mashed potatoes you could swim in naked. Now that's hot. (Hone your smooth moves with these 16 sexy, sneaky acts of seduction!)
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It's a good thing a bunch of family holidays are coming up, because you need some kind of speed bump on your highway of sin. And what better to keep your mind off of cheap and easy sex than a visit with your big, blue-haired Auntie Bertha? The only legs that should be spreading in anticipation of a good stuffing this Thanksgiving are the turkey's.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
A few Thanksgivings ago, Em set fire to the turkey. Not sure what to do, we called the fire department for "advice." But rather than offer counseling and cooking tips over the phone--apparently that's against their policy--they sent over three truckloads of hunky New York City firefighters. Sigh. And the moral of the story is . . . um . . . yeah, there really isn't one, we just like re-living the memory. But if you must have a moral, we suppose we could pull one outta our turkey hole: Go ahead and make that booty call, 'cause you may just be rewarded beyond your wildest, do-me-against-the-fire-pole fantasies...(How to make the perfect booty call in 25 Steps!)
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
This week, you might finally start to feel like settling down. Then again, it could just be a post-turkey food coma. Hold off on any rash decisions until next week.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Don't let anyone lead you on this week. Yeah, right, like anyone ever has any choice in the matter. Really, who wakes up in the morning and says, "It's a great day to be taken advantage of"? But here's the silver lining: Getting dumped right before Thanksgiving means you can wear your stretchy pants at the dinner table and no one will give a toss.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You'll be full of energy this week. We're talking about the kind of energy you exude during an intense game of Cranium with the family, when you're frantically and somewhat pathetically trying to walk like a penguin in the hopes that sis will eventually stop shouting "Stick up the butt" and correctly guess "Charlie Chaplin" before cous' and that annoying know-it-all uncle of yours get it right and win the game for the third year in a row. It's that kind of energy that may piss off your relatives but will appeal to your romantic partner(s).
Read the rest of our love-life horoscopes here!
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