Miss Piggy on Managing Your Money Wisely

Photo: Muppet Press/Alfred A. Knopf"Fortunately, I have always had very sound business sense, and so keeping my affairs in order has never presented much of a problem for moi," Miss Piggy writes in her 1981 book, "Miss Piggy's Guide to Life."

"Many people think money is something to be set aside for a rainy day," the extraordinary actress -- and a guest editor here at Shine -- writes. "But honestly, how much money do you really need for a dozen or so hours of inclement weather?"

Large amounts of money, Miss Piggy points out, is a fire hazard. And money that is stashed away for too long is prone to "cashosis" or "decashification," the horrible and debilitating process by which crisp $10 bills turn into "seven greasy ones and some nickels and pennies."

"I know you wouldn't think of putting fresh asparagus in the back of a drawer and eating it three months later," she writes. "And yet otherwise sensible people do take sizable amounts of money and pretty much let it rot."

In order to keep your money in top condition, you have to take care of it wisely. Make sure that your checkbook is balanced, the famous Muppet advises: "A predominantly blue check design, with a brown cover, in a cream-colored purse would be just terrible."

It's also very important to keep track of where your money is going. In Miss Piggy's case, her charts and bar graphs clearly show where her money is at all times: In her purse, in her purse plus in the top drawer under the hankies, and in both of those places as well as in a hatbox that she can't find.

In order to boost one's assets, one should take stock of -- and assign prices to -- the things that really matter in life. Miss Piggy lists her "valued friends" at $500,000 (the typical amount she would <em>not</em> trade her friends for, she says), her fans at $100 million (a conservative estimate), her talent, health, and winning personality at $750,000 each (which does not include hidden talents, of course). Her brains and her sense of humor are each worth a cool $1 million which, along with her cash on hand ($7.23) and a $5 loan from her best frog, Kermit, bring her total assets to a whopping $104,525,512.23 -- not too shabby for a pig.

By her own calculations, Miss Piggy is part of the 1 percent. But she's more than willing to pay her fair share of taxes. "Everyone has to pay tax," she writes. "The way to look at it is this: Each year you are buying a few things you didn't think you were buying, like a couple of shrubs for the White House, or a new desk for the Secretary of Big Boats."