How to make it work when college grads return home to live

What do you get when you mix a tough job market, another class of college graduates, and an expensive cost of living? The inevitable return home of jobless and underemployed young adults who have grown accustomed to living outside their parents' domain.

A recent Pew Research survey found that almost oneout of five grown children (aged 18-34) now lives with his or her parents. A survey of last year's college graduates revealed that 80 percent moved back home after graduating, up a good bit from 63 percent in 2006, the Baltimore Sun reports. The same CollegeGrad.com survey of 2,000 young adults also showed that seven in 10 graduates said they would live at home until they got a job.With the unemployment rate at 14.7 percent for people aged 20 to 24--double what it was in 2007--that could be awhile. Add in a record student-loan debt for undergraduates--$22,700, according to the College Board--and any credit card debt a student is carrying, and it could be even longer.

You can't argue with a move-home strategy when it helps young adults save money for rent and car payments, but this is the kind of quote that can send shivers down the spine of a parent eager to have their adults kids standing on their own: "It's actually really nice to come home to a nice house with a lot of the comforts that I might not have if I were on my own," Matt Oster, a December 2008 graduate of the University of Maryland, College Park, told the Sun.

Clearly, not every grad is thrilled to move home, and many parents are confused about how much sway they have in their adult kids' comings and goings. When there are younger kids still living at home with a completely different set of rules and routines, it can be even more complicated.

To find the balance between allowing adult children to get on their financial feet and enabling them to not take responsibility for their lives, here are a few pointers for everyone involved:

Set a working deadline. It may not be possible to set a move-out deadline and stick to it, but by establishing a framework for how long an adult child will live at home will help her focus on getting a job and find her own place to live. Don't stop at the deadline, Christina Newberry, co-author ofThe Hands-On Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home, tells CBS MarketWatch. Establish what they need to accomplish while they're home, from job-looking to helping out at home if they are not employed. "If you treat them like a kid again, you're not helping them - you are creating a lifestyle that they won't be able to maintain when they leave," Newberry says. "Your job is to get them to where they don't need you anymore."

Negotiate rent and other ways to contribute. If he's got a job, even a part-time one, it's a good idea for a young adult to pay somewhere between 10 and 30 percent for rent, at least as a way to save and to get in the habit of paying monthly expenses. Discuss what other expenses they are able to help pay--cell phone, utilities, car insurance. Money is not the only way to contribute: If there are younger children, establish times the adult child can help give them rides to activities, go grocery shopping, help with meals and other chores around the house. Be specific, set expectations, and stick to them.

Don't over-parent. This one's for the parents. Know the adult child moving back home is not the teen who went off to college. Let them make mistakes, learn consequences. Don't step in to save them. "There is something to be learned from every decision we make," write Linda Gordon and Susan Shaffer, authors of Mom, Can I Move Back in with You? "Growing up, like parenting, includes both successes and failures."

Set some house rules--then renegotiate along the way. Curfews may not work anymore, but there has to be agreement on some basics, such as when to expect or not expect adult children home. Whether friends and significant others will be staying over is another big issue, along with whether they need to grocery shop on a regular basis or just replace milk and other well-used items when they run out.

Respect each other. Adult kids coming home late should know to do it quietly without upsetting the household and to not let a group of friends sleep over unannounced if that's not what parents and kids have agreed to. Parents need to respect that their grads are trying to build a social life as well as a career and to give them some room--within reason--to do so even though they are living at home. Mutual respect and consideration will go a long way in making this (hopefully) temporary situation work.