Bachelor Recap: Week 3 is when We Learn Way Too Much About Hondas
Ben's Leap List:
Wear sunglass on back, at least once
Climb a bridge
Ski in San Francisco
Find a bookcase that opens into a room, Scooby-Doo style
Reject a mortician
But let's backtrack: a Leap what? It all started when Ben mentions his Leap List. Like that's a thing. It's as if we're in Canada or in 1999 and nobody's seen Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson fall out of a plane. Then the girls pick up on it: "Your Leap List, sure, that's when you...." one explains as if she's the friend with a lot of information on a Birth Control commercial.
Right, so a bucket list.
DATE 1: Emily
One of the things on Ben's list is climbing a bridge with a woman whose worst fear is climbing a bridge. As poor Emily (the epidemiologist who's kind of awesome) conquers her fear and makes it to the top of the bridge without throwing up, there are a lot of metaphors about how love is like a bridge. "If Emily and I can climb the Bay Bridge together there's no telling how far we can take this relationship," says Ben. Really? That seems like something that's not going to come up again if you continue to date.
Later Emily reveals her worst dating experience. You know how it's usually: "I had a traumatic divorce" or "I dated Jesse Metcalfe"? Emily's is not that.
That merits Emily a rose and some fireworks with which to kiss under.
DATE 2: Lots of Girls
Next up on Ben's leap list: getting a retired firefighter to spray some stuff on a street and then going down it on skis with a bunch of girls in bikinis.
But first, everyone has to hop in identical Hondas and talk about the unique features and remarkable roominess. "I'm so excited to be getting in the Honda CVR to go skiing," says one contestant who had haul her butt into a recording studio to dub in that voice over.
Ben says "Leap List" a few more times and the women dressed in bikinis and scarves do some pratfalls on skis. It's all pretty hilarious if you're Hugh Hefner or if you have that condition where you hear Benny Hill music in your head 24/7.
But it's not so funny for these people who have to walk to work after they realize their bus stop is closed for the day. Then at commercial time, the Leap List mystery is solved: Honda has a new campaign where they're coining the term "Leap List" and hoping it will sell more cars. Oh.
DATE 3: Lindzi
Well, it was supposed to be Brittney (the girl with the Grandma) but she received this Flava Flav necklace with her date card and decided it was time for her to bail. She starts crying and sending viewers mixed messages saying "her heart's not it" but also, she's sad she'll never know if Ben's the one. I got all conspiracy theory at this point and wondered if they offer money to contestants who leave a little early for drama's sake. Seems to happen on every season, right?
Anyway it all worked out because Lindzi (the girl with the horse) got the solo date. The theme of this date was that Ben was Schnieder from "One Day at a Time". He could open any door in San Francisco with his belt of keys so he chooses City Hall, where Lindzi is bowled over by a private performance from Matt Nathanson. Who? You know, the guy who opened for Kelly Clarkson on her Stronger Tour. You know, the guy who covered James' 'Laid' for the American Wedding soundtrack. You know, the guy who you just Wikipedia-d to see who he was.
After that Ben takes Lindzi to a bar with a "Speakeasy" theme and pushes a bookshelf back to reveal a room, like he's always wanted to. Impressed with Ben's prowess for solving mysteries, Lindzi accepts a rose. She is totally going to die when she finds out he plays David Gray songs on the piano. Is there anything this guy can't do?
ROSE PRE-GAME
Back at the house the model re-affirms she's slightly off.
We haven't seen a Honda steering wheel in a while, so here.
Those are the hands of Shawntel, the funeral director from Brad's season. She's apparently had a thing with Ben between Bachelor shootings, and now she's back to win him over. When she walks into the room, a pack of coyotes stalk her, closing in on their kill.
This one wants to eat her face off.
Shawntel finds Ben and explains that she always felt there were feelings between them ever since they 'spoke.' Ben smiles and says they have "spoken a few times". So clearly there's a Bachelor hotline- and not the one advertised late night on channel 9. The girls start bawling and threatening to leave if this new girl thinks she can just waltz into this weird game-show where things like this happen on every episode.
ROSE CEREMONY
This did not go well. Go ahead, blame Shawntel. I blame whoever chose to eat the fish at dinner.
Just before Ben's about to give the final rose, he decides to make a very boring speech and our girl Erica knows just how to cut it short. She faints. Luckily, everyone on the Bachelor has amazing medical advice. "Put your head between your legs!" "Breath in through your nose and out through your mouth!" "Can we get some orange juice?"
Ben decides not to give the rose to poor Erica because clearly she's not strong enough to climb a bridge and that's important to him. When she collapses again after her rejection, the girls gather around her clutching their roses and graciously offer her rose-water. Ben leaves her on a bench because she's too weak to get into a limo. It's dark, peoples.
Next, he also ditches the one who keeps making this face.
Shawntel too is sent back home even though she just got there. "Take care, no hard feelings," says Ben. Five words you should never say to a woman ever. Everyone with a rose agrees Ben did the right thing and they toast to their next adventure in Park City.
As the credits roll, we learn a little bit more about why Ben sent Erica home. She has an inner lip tattoo that says 'Amore'. What's more, she feels she needs to translate: "It means love in Italian." Got it, thanks. What's that? I think I hear your bottom teeth asking to see it again.
Related:
Bachelor Recap Week 1: History made, again
Bachelor Recap Week 2: The Luggage Room
